


Her Embrace

by Sombereyes



Category: Sailor Moon - All Media Types
Genre: Drama, F/F, Romance, Romantic Friendship, Songfic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-09-29
Updated: 2013-09-28
Packaged: 2017-12-27 22:04:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 23,109
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/984133
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sombereyes/pseuds/Sombereyes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Learning to let go of your insecurities and inhibitions is hard. Rei's come to terms with herself, but can she come to terms with love? What if that love was with a woman? What if that woman was also afraid what the truth might mean? How would they cope?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Author's Ramblings: You may notice that this chapter is slightly different than it was well over year ago... why is that? Well, that's simple...it's because this fiction is facing a few changes. You see, when I first began to write this, I do so without having a true rhyme or reason for it. I know knew I wanted to start work on something less dark than "Shouting of my Soul", which was a rather dark idea that I do intend to finish...eventually.
> 
> Regardless, now that I've taken the time to actually finish what I began, I thought it fitting to go back and edit the chapters that troubled me, to give the over all story more flow, so that the final chapters have a true substance that is gratifying for the last half of the story...if that makes any sense. So, here it is. I hope the new changes are pleasing for the soul, because to me, there is nothing more gratifying than the truest fulfillment of ones own heart.
> 
> The first few chapters are revised and say so at the start of the chapters... some are still in that process, so please, bear with me.
> 
> That's why I've gone back to to revise this in the first place...I'm simply not fulfilled, and wish to be with this fan fiction.
> 
> Don't own Sailor Moon.

Prologue

When I first met her, she was like an angel. One that was shy. Quiet, and reserved in everything she did. I think, I respected that part about her the most. Even in our earliest days of friendship, we'd started an inseparable bond. I often wondered what might have sparked this rather uncanny feeling that wells up inside me, and I can only come to one conclusion on that matter. It may seem odd, I know, but I think even when we were young and a bit naive, we placed down the stepping stones even then.

We went on a cruse, you see. Although, that had been merely as friends, I never realized how she felt for me. With softness I'm not one for having, I treasured her. She wasn't like Usagi...or anyone else I'd ever met. Each Senshi has a uniqueness about them, that makes them strong...and yet, utterly weak. Now, Ami, she's a bit more complicated than most.

Unlike most teens, her eyes held a severity within them. A strict sense of duty, and an even deeper devotion. She was passionate when she fought, an entirely new girl, one that no one really saw. Only we did, the Sailor Senshi. She stood out, a quiet shout amongst our rebellious, emotional hearts. She was a voice of reason, that went well beyond science. Even in the worst of days as warriors, she held fast to her dearest dreams, even when I could not.

When I was younger, I got angry at the world a lot in my own ways. Yeah, I may not have started fights, or anything like that...

I was just...dissatisfied.  
I viewed my life as abysmal...  
I blamed my duties as a shrine maiden...  
I hated my powers of fire...  
I lashed out at many people...  
Yet, oddly enough, I never cast hate at Ami...

I've grown up now. I'm old enough to see my path. I may not be a perfect woman. I'm still a simple maiden, still in the shrine Grandfather left me the day he passed on. I don't look a day past sixteen, although, truth be told, I'm in my early twenties. Life, it goes on for me, albeit slower than normal. I've devoted myself to faith, fate, and destiny. My days are no longer carefree, and it's as though I'm stepping backwards in time. Within my mind, I feel all of my past hate surfacing every now and again.

I miss Grandpa.  
I miss ice cream at the parlor.  
I even miss school.  
I want what life used to be...

That won't happen though, and I know Usagi isn't god, although we all wish she could be, sometimes. Our personal goddess who could grant us anything, so long as we protect her. Truth is, as much as we hold magics at our fingertips, it'll never be enough. It's funny, with all of this power that I command, almost at will now, without my transformation pen, I've felt more empty than ever before.

That's because life is different for me. I don't have the luxury to act childish anymore. One day, soon, building Crystal Tokyo will be our reality. For a long time, we'll be alone, and this earth will no longer hold anything of comfort for me. That's why I've grown up. I need to reach out, and find something, someone special. I don't want to be strong all alone, and now that I know her feelings are there, hidden behind deep pools of cobalt, I feel like for once, I'm allowed to become weak.

Ami...I know I can never go back to the old days, when we were still children during the best of days, and in the darkest, we died with our best friends by our side. Still, if you'll let me, I can try my best to love a woman...love you, with all of my soul. I'm new at this, I must admit, but if you'll take my hand, and hold on tight, then, maybe we can get out of this confusing forest of loneliness.

We wouldn't have to be alone anymore. We could smile again, just like back in the old days... I can't turn back time, but perhaps, if I'm lucky...

And if I try hard enough...  
Reach out far enough...  
Do enough...  
Maybe...  
Just maybe...  
Yesterdays will become simply that...  
A fond memory...

Then, we could eagerly await the future just as brightly as Usagi does. I don't know much about loving a woman. Especially not someone such as you. I don't know what I can give you, or how far I could ever possibly go. I'm not Minako you know, but, I guess I should be thankful for that. I may seem cold, angry, or uncaring sometimes, but I hope you know, that it was never aimed at you. Never because of you. In fact, you're one of the few girls who doesn't drive me nuts all the time. You're always so considerate of others, I like that. But ya know...

It's alright, if you feel the way I do. Being lonely, it just isn't any way to live. There's no reason to be lonely. We all have each other, and I know that. I feel that in my heart always. That's why I've decided, I'll always be a Sailor Senshi.

Hey Ami... when I reach out for you, will you be there?


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 1

Laughter filled the small apartment on this early morning. It was one of the few times schedule conflicts seemed to disappear. Rei's day cleared because the shrine was closed for clean up, and Makoto worked late in the afternoon. Unlike the other girls who had time for some relaxation, both of these girls were on their own in life.

No one helped with bills or chores, it was constant work.

Makoto had always known a life like this, harsh realities made it harder on her, back when she was younger. In earlier days, she sometimes wondered how she would get by. In awe, the others would feel lost, and just wouldn't understand. Makoto worked hard, and she didn't want anyone to worry. Rei had always assumed she understood perfectly, but she had been poorly mistaken.

Rei was still new at this uncharted territory. It had been a few years now, and Rei had perked up from the loss of her only blood relative. Still her need for fun and play dwindled, the things she once enjoyed slipped away, and a sort of responsibility fell over her. The duties of a shrine maiden came first, and all else took a back seat. Even Usagi.

"Are you sure you want it back?" Makoto asked. "It's been a while, and Usagi pardoned you from that. You don't have to be a Senshi, Rei, if you don't want to be."

On the table, all of Rei's wands lay waiting for her. This was why she had come in the first place. Rei's eyes had hardened on them, wondering why such a question would even be directed at her. Still, her fingers traced the old mementos. "It's alright." Rei murmured.

"Don't force yourself." Makoto warned, placing a over Rei's own. "Regardless of what Luna says, you don't have to be stuck as a Senshi."

"I never lost it." Rei said rather simply. "My powers always stayed, even when these were given away." Scooping them up, she met emerald eyes with her own. "I could have come running at any time." Rei's statement made all the more honest when she showed her communicator hadn't ever left her wrist. The room grew silent then, and Rei sipped her tea, allowing her reality to come back. This was what she left, saying she needed time for herself. Two years...it was a long time out of fighting, although the enemies were few and far between. "If it would have been bad, I would have come back in a heartbeat."

"You're sure?" It sounded so good to hear, Makoto wondered if it was really true.

"I the took needed time off, but I'm alright now, and you know I wouldn't say that unless I was ready." Rei's eyes held little more than truth, and an honest apology for taking so long to claim that which was hers.

"That's true." Makoto nodded, more than satisfied with Rei's answer. "Does Usagi know, or are you planning to surprise her?" The miko never missed meetings, even during her time off. She never just shrugged off the fights, and even came to help wounded during the after math. Rei hadn't ever fully let go of her title. She just hadn't worn her garb, hadn't slung her fire around.

"I'm sure she knows by now." The smile was small, the memory of that day perhaps one of the more comical ones Rei had in recent years. "I thought Luna might have came and got these from you. I went to her first. You should have seen the look on her face, when I told her I was ready to come back." It would be a shock for all of them, most had given up on Rei, saying it was best for her to live happily. Makoto knew she would come back sooner or later. Without anyone left, it was only a matter of time. "She was happy. I assume she's told Usagi, at the very least."

"So then, how's life been?" The change in subject both a concern and honest curiosity. "You didn't say much last week, and you haven't gone out with the rest of us in ages. What has you so busy?"

"My grandfather did more than anyone could truly realize and appreciate." Rei's soft reply was filled with longing. She couldn't deny it, she still missed him. "Aside from the morning sermons, he also held them in the evening. Five-thirty sharp. He gave counsel for those who wanted it, and believe it or not, a lot of people sought him out. Now, they seek me out. During the day, I'm bogged down with so much that I may have to hire someone else in."

"Sounds like it's been more stressful than you've been letting on." Makoto said then, caution at the edges of her voice. "Why didn't you tell us?"

Rei shook her head. "It's more than a full time job. What I do is literally a lifestyle." She began, trying to ease the guard Makoto was trying to place between them. A low simmering anger was the last thing Rei wanted to see in those soft glistening orbs. "It took me a year to decide I would enjoy, even feel the need to keep the shrine in the family." Then a sort of smirk, one that had mirth, slipped upon her lips. "Grandfather always said, that I would have to become free of self reservations, if I sought true enlightenment. That I would never better myself for the tasks at hand, unless I myself, felt fulfilled." She looked down at her mug of tea then, unable to face that stare any longer.

"So you spent the second year doing what, exactly?" Makoto poured more tea, before switching the oven on low, her confections nearly done.

"Finding myself." Rei said leaving her year as simply that. "I've decided what I want now, and in all honesty, I didn't think it would take this long." Rei's tone seemed almost hesitant. "I want some advice about something sort of personal." Swirling the tea in her hands gave her eyes something to focus on, she didn't dare chance a glance at the woman now highly interested in her actions. "But, if I do tell you what it is, I need to to swear that you won't tell anyone else."

"Alright..." Makoto was confused, but willing to help. "I won't say anything. It won't leave this kitchen." Something about Rei drew her in, something small, nearly inexplicable. It was a strange look, almost looking sky, and perhaps fearful. It was unusual for Rei to be in such a state. It was even more obscure, that Rei would seek her out. "You have my word."

"How did you know you liked girls..."

It took a moment, even two, and Makoto blinked the confusion from her eyes. "Um, well, I just did. I never exactly questioned it. I like the warmth a women can give...and I guess I enjoy looking at men too. That's about as far as I went breaking it down." For Makoto, that was enough for her, especially given the fact of who she was dating. "Have the hots for some girl, or something?"

"Makoto!" The look on her face turned incredulous rather quickly. "Get real. I don't get 'the hots' for anyone, or else it doesn't last." Rei grumbled. "You of all people know that." Rei sighed then, also put off by the blunt question. This was Makoto she was dealing with, subtly went out the window most of the time. If she had wanted to be eased into this topic, there were many others much more suited for the task, but it had to be Makoto. Rei knew that. "I really thought about this, it doesn't require a lot of thinking, but about her, well...I've thought about it a lot."

"Finally going to fess up, and talk to Ami aren't you?" Makoto's worried look fell away as a smile beamed across her face. "Well, when are you going to do it?"

"Would you please keep that smile off of your face, this is embarrassing." Rei mumbled while sipping her now cooling drink, trying to hide her blushing cheeks. "How did you know it was her anyway?"

"It's not me, or you wouldn't be here. It's not Minako, you've turned her down in the past. Sure as hell isn't Usagi, or I'd kill you...and everyone else is spoken for, including Hotaru. Doesn't leave anyone else open except for Ami." Makoto explained, although in all honesty, even if the math wasn't hard, there were other things that also pointed down the same line of thinking. Joyful, and excited, Makoto had to work hard at keeping herself at bay. "So you love Ami, and want to confess."

"Don't say that word either." Rei blanched. "It gives me the chills." Rei blew her bangs out of her eyes and shook her head. "It was stupid of me, thinking I could explain it. I don't love her. I don't even know how that word could possibly apply for two women in such a manner. I wasn't raised that way. But, I can't get her out of my head. It's like...never mind, I'm being an idiot."

"No, you're being just like Ami is." The two of them would be the death of her, Makoto was sure of it. "Ami's loved you for years. She's always dreamed of having a simple, pure romantic relationship. It's just part of who she is." Makoto told Rei. "But, just like you, she has reservations, and doesn't get out much. It would make sense for her to feel emotions for someone in our little group."

"Now you're just being exactly like Minako." Rei muttered darkly. "Ami isn't like that...she don't just casually fall in love."

"Think about it." Makoto sighed. "Sure, she has friends outside of the Senshi, we all do, but how much can we trust them? How far can she open up? Ami doesn't like keeping secrets from the people she loves, and she hates hiding herself even more. Besides, you know if a man with half of her qualities came around, and stayed, we'd all have an all out war to get his attention."

"But Ami isn't a guy. She's a girl." Rei was now in desperation. "More than that, she's sensitive, and very easily scared away when someone comes knocking at her door. Remember those letters she kept hiding? She had people crushing on her all through high school, perhaps more than the rest of us. Hell, I heard there were a few university guys after her, because she wasn't a bubble head like most girls."

Makoto could agree with that, at the very least. "You were her friend first." Ami was a hard catch by many standards. "She knows you wouldn't take her lightly. You'd be good to her." Unapproachable for some...cold to others. "She knows that...you aren't like all of those other people...you're Sailor Mars...you're one of the few people she can depend on."

"That's just it! I don't want to hurt her." Rei's fear had merit, and proof to back it up. "Plus, tack onto that, it's not like I know what I really feel for her."

"Do you believe she understand it either?" The beeping of the oven pulled Makoto from a near tirade, and instead she busied herself with the cookies. She didn't want them burning, yet even so, she didn't let Rei off the hook easily. "Rei, you've got to remember, Ami trusts us more than anyone else in the world. Besides her own mother, we're all she has. If any of the Senshi went and asked her for a date or something, I highly doubt she would refuse them."

"Oh great...so I'm just as good as anyone else." Rei told her friend. "That's a comfort." Her tone sarcastic.

"Shut up." Makoto told her, handing her a cookie. "She would be nervous, yes. I bet she'll be like you are right now, freaking out at me until the last second. That's just how she is, but I highly doubt that she would turn you down. Especially since out of everyone, her feelings are strongest where you're concerned." It was all Makoto chanted. It was as if those emerald eyes knew something more, but refused to say it.

That afternoon, when Rei went back to the shrine, she donned her garb and sat in front of the fire.

She wasn't doing a reading. Rei kept her eyes out of her own matters much of the time. Answers were vague, and even if they came along, she knew it would be up to her to decipher them. In the case of Ami, Rei wanted to make her own choices, without the influence of the fire. Still, the raging heat kept her calm, the roaring sounds of air feeding the flame gave her comfort, and the flickering light gave her eyes focus.

It soothed her from becoming lost, something quite common as of late.

Rei had spent weeks trying to decide how to go about things. A romantic dinner cruse was something that came on impulse, but none of the ticket centers would be selling them for a few more months. Going to a movie seemed like a good plan, but Rei really wasn't the dating sort, because at this point in her life, it wasn't as if she had large amounts of time to offer. The idea even became less appealing than before, when she realized she would have to be in charge of all the planning.

That, and she considered the fact Ami would be hooked on her arm, Rei would be the man...well, as close to one as she could get. The reality irked her, and she felt her stomach churn.

That night, she went to bed with more questions than answers. Even more confused, and perhaps a little ill from her mind carrying her away into unwanted thoughts. She found little sleep. Rei knew she would have to deal with this...enigma...of sorts. The sooner she did, the sooner she's have an answer for it. "Just go talk with her." That was the last thing Makoto ordered Rei to do, and with a lack of a better choice, Rei decided she would do just that.

More chapters later...


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 2

It was so early, not even the sun would shine. Rei always started her day like this.

Most of the time, she was grumpy, lack of sleep annoying her. There were other days though, ones like today, where sleep was something nearly unreachable. She gave up on the prospect of a warm bed and fluffy pillow. Instead, she found herself favoring coffee, and deep thought as her replacement. She would sit outside, listening to the world around her. Sometimes it gave solace, and others it gave despair.

In her bathrobe, she noted Hotaru run at great speed up the steps. It was yet another normal sight, and the girl quickly disappeared behind the door of the small store. Rei smiled at that. Hotaru, and all of the Sailor Senshi were something like family. In their own ways, they all had a place in Rei's heart. Hotaru held a special kind of affinity for her tasks at the shrine. There was a unification for them, in the depths of faith.

Just as Hotaru and Rei had a bond that wasn't to be questioned...the same could be said for the guardian of time that followed Hotaru every morning. "It's not every day you take the scenic route." Rei sighed at the woman, who was doing a poor job of hiding.

"Don't blame me." Setsuna answered evenly, coming out from behind the bush she had been behind, leaning on the nearest tree she could. "Haruka wanted this to be simply a way for her to earn pocket money. It wasn't ever meant to consume her mornings and afternoons." Monotone, and gentle, Setsuna found herself more burdened than ever, by following the Senshi of death around. "I personally don't mind, she seems happier here, than at home. She keeps saying she's found what she's looking for, although, she hasn't explained that part of it for us."

"Faith is something we all want." Rei shrugged, not really minding one way or the other either. "What type of faith it is, that begs the question. Regardless, everyone believes deeply in something."

"That is true." Setsuna relented. "Haruka just worries about what that might be." A frown made truth of Setsuna's thoughts. "Naturally, I can't be of any help, or I would disturb natural orders."

"It isn't Haruka's concern anyway." Rei groused, still annoyed about that fact. "With everything Hotaru's seen in her life, she must have a reason to devote herself so fully. It isn't Haruka's place to question it."

"I agree. However, Haruka's concerned that Hotaru will become sick, if she works harder than she should." It had started as odd jobs. Things Rei had to get done, but weren't difficult by any means. Soon however, a few short hours a week, became a full time job. "She's still delicate...lest we not forget just who she is."

"I believe if anyone needs faith in this world, it's Hotaru." Rei licked her lips and felt remorse once again, knowing well of the past Hotaru couldn't fully recall. "As her memories trickle back into her mind, of every time she's lived and died, if she doesn't find something to believe in, I'd be worried." There was nothing they could really do, but give her the happiness she needed, in the best ways they could. "Trust me, it was never my intention to have her working such long hours. She wants to do it."

Setsuna nodded. "That's why I regret coming over every morning." The creaking of wheels disrupted the peace that had once cloaked the shrine. Hotaru had clearly begun grinding salts and other things for Rei to purify. The girl was still shy, and never talked much about anything in particular. Hotaru had interests, yes, but they were few and far between. "She's been lighting the fireplace at home every now and then, saying something about the heat being more natural than the lamps she buys." Setsuna loathed the day when Hotaru wouldn't be able to work here anymore, fearing the girl would become withdrawn and aloof again. "How long can she continue working here?"

"She can stay as long as she wants." Rei answered quickly. "If she wants to stop working, that's fine too." She forced herself to slow down. "It's completely her choice, as it should be. Haruka should just stay out if it. This is the first time she hasn't given up something because people think she's weird. If she feels accepted, then I say don't mess with it." Anger that was misplaced began to surface. "Besides, we all can't be like Haruka. Limelight isn't welcome, and won't ever be as far as I'm concerned."

Setsuna nodded at that. She agreed fully with Rei. Still, it didn't stop her fears from surfacing every now and then. "When will Yūichirō return home?"

"To become a priest, you first must pass exams. It's a way to regulate who does, and does not become a Priest or Priestess. My grandfather found it a stupid practice. Our shine has stayed in our family for many, many generations. However, he knew that I would also be subjected to qualify, if I ever wanted to undertake his duties fully." She found herself at a loss as she continued. "I took those tests as soon as I was able. Having been raised here, there is no question that I passed with flying colors. Women who hold such a high title as myself, can be considered rare. However, it was because of my knowledge, skill, and deep faith, that I am allowed to run and operate this shrine under my jurisdiction."

"That's very deep of you." Setsuna had an open and honest worry for Rei as well. "However, I'm sure you miss him."

Rei merely nodded. "Yūichirō, he's a good guy, but, he still has many things he must learn. He went on a pilgrimage in search of those things. Denying him, what grandfather would not, is simply out of the question." Her eyes looked to the ground. "Grandfather wanted a priest here, a good man to continue the family line...and marry me." It was one of the few things he wanted most in his old age. To know his granddaughter would be taken care of. "We both know I can't marry that idiot...but, he's always going to be family, regardless."

Setsuna was one of very few who knew more than most. Not many had seen the futures she knew existed. It was a gift that was hers alone. "I believe Haruka should witness this." She told Rei carefully. "Hotaru is happy here, and this is a safe place for her. A good refuge if nothing else." Had it not been for Setsuna's continual support of Rei's choices, Luna would have gotten her way. Rei would not have had a much needed vacation, and in all likelihood, the future as they knew it, would have faced peril by now. "I would think, she may even grow into the role of becoming a priestess herself."

Rei just chuckled, though it was sad at best. "If I honestly wanted a full timer, I'd hire in fresh blood." It was something she continued to think about, more and more as time went on. "Someone from a neighboring shrine, more likely than not. Being as devoted as I was, well, that's hard on most people. I wouldn't force Hotaru into it." Rei answered. "The thing is, she's got a knack for it, and the drive to want to get it done. I'd give her the job, if I didn't feel like Haruka would kill me for it. Hotaru's like family, and family are the only ones to undertake the work of the person before them. At least, that was what grandfather wished."

"He was a good man." It was all Setsuna could say about the elderly man who was no longer among them. "He raised you better than anyone gave him credit for."

"Anyway, it is what he wanted." Rei stretched and opened the door, entering inside her home. "If she would put in the time and energy, I'd let her become the one that inherits the shrine." Her coffeepot was empty, and she pulled the plug on the pot. "Care for some tea?"

"I must decline the offer. I should be leaving before Hotaru catches me." She knew that moment was fast approaching. "Please, make sure she leaves in time for class."

"I will, don't worry." After they said goodbye, Rei dressed herself for the work ahead. Feeding the fire, purifying odds and ends. Then she began preparing the outdoors for the early morning service, her list was endless. That all had to be done before the early morning sermon. Then there was the afternoon rush, people coming for guidance, and others simply praying.

After school, Rei wouldn't be single handed again, Hotaru coming back for a few more hours selling charms and other things. At the end of the day, just like every other day, she would have to unlock the collection box and count the donation money. It would account for many things. Bills, necessary living expenses, wages for Hotaru, gifts for charities, among other things.

The days were always long, and hard, not to mention filled with constant schedule restraints.

On this day, Rei had four appointments, but that didn't mean anything. People often came, mourning the death of loved ones, or looking for solace. Rei had to be ready for the unexpected. Days were mundane, but never exactly the same. After she closed for the evening, she had a few hours of free time. So began her long walk down the steps and along the city streets. Her mind wasn't really all there, and idly, she made her way to the high rise apartment Ami shared with her mom.

That was all she could do if she wanted to find her own peace of mind...even if each step seemed like an impossible journey.

It was classy, and expensive. Ami lived in the lap of luxury, her mother well paid. There was a security check just to get beyond the front door, often a difficulty in and of itself. If you just so happened to be lucky enough that one of them were home, they'd buzz you in, and you'd be allowed to actually get into the building. Rei rolled her eyes as she pushed down the buzzer. "Stupid thing." She ranted, she hated using it. As if she were a lesser person, or someone trivial, people at the desk always shrugged her aside. This place, well it wasn't for the common folk. The other part she hated, was that her father also owned a space in this building, although he rarely used it.

"Mizuno residence." It was Ami's voice coming through the intercom, muffled and dull. "May I help you?"

"It's me." It was annoying just how often she wished she had a card key. If she ever told the attendants just who she happened to be, who's daughter she was, surely they'd end up fumbling all over themselves just to get her one. "Can you let me through already, they're eying me again."

The door buzzed, and without hesitation, she pulled the door handle quickly. "Finally." She whispered she she trudged towards the elevators. Ami lived on one of the topmost floors, and Rei leaned on the railing while she wanted. "No wonder Ami jumps out of her window, this thing takes forever." Being a Sailor Senshi, time was of the essence during a battle, and often, they all took extreme measure so they could get there quickly. Ami's escape from her household being one of the more dangerous ones. Makoto's apartments were high up too, but not nearly as risky of a jump, a small eatery's rooftop sat just below her bathroom window. Ami had nothing, just the ground below.

Well, that, and a stupidly slow elevator.

Her floor was shared with only one other apartment, and thus, only one shared wall. It made for a spacious living area, and most could only wish they owned something similar. Ami was at the door already, dressed in a sweatshirt and pajama bottoms. "Please, come in. Pardon my manner of dress, I wasn't expecting visitors." Clearly, Ami had been settling in for the evening, some sliced fruit sat on an end table, a book and a cup of orange juice also accompanying it. "Would you like something to drink?"

"No thanks. I just came for a chat." Rei knew that much sounded stupid, and as she took off her shoes and made her way into the living room, she couldn't help but feel as if she should have planned things out. Time ticked by, seconds seemed like forever. She hadn't ever done this before. Her mouth went dry, and she really wished she had said yes for some water. Instead, she sat on the sofa slowly, her hands placed neatly in her lap and Ami turned off the nearby television. "We haven't played catch up in a while, have we?"

"No, I suppose not." Ami agreed, still a bit surprised that she found herself with a guest, but happy that it was a friendly face. "My studies have kept me busy as of late, I haven't had much time for anyone recently, what with final exams coming up." She sighed a bit, a soft smile plying on her lips. "I bet that you've been just as busy though. When ever Hotaru comes over for help, she and I often discuss what classes she should take the following year, as well as proper materials. Recently though, her mind has been more focused on working along side of you, instead of preparing for university."

"It doesn't surprise me. She devotes just as much time as I do, keeping the shrine up and running." This wasn't what she wanted to talk about, but the distraction was welcome. Rei knew she could pretend she merely came for a visit, and forget all about confessing. Ami would be none the wiser, life could go on as it always had, and no one would risk getting hurt. Still, Rei felt herself sinking deeper, her good mood lost by thoughts of another failure, and another let down. Rei didn't want that, and before she knew it, her voice betrayed her.

In a moment of silence, the direction of conversation changed drastically. "It'll be even worse soon. I've taken up full duties as a Senshi. I'm ready to become Sailor Mars again." Ami looked shocked, but Rei didn't wait for the pleased response, instead she continued. "I've made a lot of progress in my life, but as much as I think I've moved on, I realize these past two years I've done nothing but regress. I hate thinking I'll go back to who I used to be." Rei took a deep sigh. "What I mean is, as much as everyone thinks that my coming back may be a good thing, it really isn't. It just means that I feel as if I can't become any better than what I am. There's no way I'll ever become stronger, emotionally or otherwise. I've kinda failed Usagi, in my own little way."

"I doubt anyone sees it as that." Ami answered nonchalantly. Inwardly she was happy. Without Sailor Mars around, the group felt incomplete. "You took a much needed time off. There is nothing wrong with taking a break. We all took smaller ones through the years, as to be expected, and there is no doubt in my mind others will also do the same as you. When the time arises for such things, we'll all find our weaknesses."

Rei for her part, was becoming docile, sitting there looking completely forlorn. "It isn't a weakness, even if I wish it was."

"Something else happened." Ami concluded. "Didn't it?"

"Besides a realization, no, not really." Rei forced herself to say. Ami was still looking at her expectantly, and Rei put her head in her hands. "I came here with seemingly good reasons, Ami. I came here with resolve that's misplaced, because as much as I can say it's easy, I'd be lying. I can't possibly be the priestess my grandfather wanted, if I keep sinning, and walking down a path I know I'll regret." It was at that time, that darkened lavender eyes met those of soft cobalt. "At the same time, I know that I've got an image I must uphold. Straying from that public view would mean trouble for us, and the others. This is exactly like being a Senshi in it's own way. No one would be able to find out, and it would be yet another secret that I hate keeping."

"I don't believe I understand..." Ami was at a loss. Rei was being so vague, and there were many things Rei had to keep quiet.

"I came here to confess my feelings." Rei answered quietly. "To tell you that I don't have answers or promises, and that I'm scared."

"We avoided that topic for years, and for good reason." Ami got it now, and a new level of silence cloaked them like a harsh winter.

"My father is a political figurehead. It would bring shame upon him, and I can tell you honestly I could care less about that." Rei's voice shook. "However, he is ruthless, there would be no doubt that my friends would be targeted. Part of my job is to protect Usagi, both as my friend, and as our princess. If word got out about his straight laced, all work and no play daughter, becoming...well, a lesbian, there would be no end to the trouble he would cause."

"Hings happen, we're all used to it..." Ami couldn't find an answer within those words. "Don't be bothered by it...there's really no point."

"If the media started causing Usagi or the others a ruckus, I wouldn't be able to stop it." The words kept spilling out, much to her dismay. "They've left me alone, and normally do, but once elections come up, I'll once again be followed by the press...I have to be the good daughter...I can't risk things."

Ami's form also looked weakened by the information. "We wouldn't be able to date openly, like normal couples." Ami agreed, although she was disheartened. "It wouldn't bode well. The press will also be very interested in the return of Sailor Mars. Magic can't hold out forever according to Setsuna, and one day we will be recognized as the Sailor Senshi, even while in civilian form. The fact that we don't age normally will be a dead giveaway. Our families will one day come to suspect us, if what Setsuna says, has any merit."

"Suspect my ass, Grandpa knew about me." Rei sighed, shaking her head at some of the memories. "Ever since I was a baby, I had these weird powers that would give me bad dreams. As I grew up, my abilities grew as well. I've always had innate powers that stood out, and he knew I was special. Add that with sneaking out all the time, and acting very unbecoming of a young woman undertaking his tutelage, it was not long before he cornered me."

"So you told him the truth." Ami sighed, she could see the guilt in Rei's eyes.

"I couldn't lie in front of him, and never in front of the sacred flame. A confession shouldn't be uttered by the person who heard it, so he kept quiet. He's the only one I've ever told. If he hadn't forgiven me for all of the things I'd done, there wouldn't be anyway I could have gone on in my life." She took a breath, trying to calm herself down.

"Rei..." Ami was at a loss after that.

"After he died, I felt as if all of my dirty little secrets died with him. He never told a soul, and I know that." She explained to Ami. "Now, no one else knows, and the one person who could forgive me, he's not here anymore." It was because of that fact, Rei knew she had to move on, and never allow herself to regress. If she did, she would fall into a very dark place she'd never want to visit. "It's hard, forgiving yourself when you know you've done wrong. That's how I feel now, as if I've screwed up, because I kept quiet about liking girls. I never told him, and so I never let my feelings get misplaced." She didn't know if she was making any sense, but she felt it needed to be said. "That's why I never told you...why although I saw little hints that you cared for me, I never told you the same."

"You've told me now." Ami answered as she stood from her place, coming over to crouch near Rei. "It's alright. I understand why you didn't tell me earlier, I know you were trying to do the right thing." Her porcelain hands were soft and cool on Rei's hot cheeks. "But forgive me for being selfish. I refuse to let you lock all of this away again. I can't let you do that."

"I don't expect that you do." Rei sighed as she stood up, pulling Ami up with her. "What I want is for you to think about it. I don't want an answer tonight, because this isn't something we can take lightly given our families, and our positions. If you want to try a relationship, now you know, I do too. I just don't want anyone getting hurt by our actions. It'll have to be closeted outside of our group, and I know it's hard doing that...it hurts just as much as not saying anything. I know that. It's why I want you to decide what it is you really want from me."

With words of parting for the night, Rei gave Ami a simple hug. It was more contact than the two of them normally had, and it spoke volumes. With her mind filled with worries for yet another night, Rei went back home, where once again, she knew she would be missing sleep.

More chapters later.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 3

Ami sighed as she flopped onto her bed that evening. Her mother would be coming home late, as always.

It was lonely in the apartment by herself, and she partly wished Rei would have stayed with her. This wasn't anything new for Ami, the longing of companionship something she considered herself a master of. Her time was consumed by her studies, and she could admit, she wasn't the most approachable girl of sorts. True, she had many fans, boys who were looking for marriage early in life looked no further than hey needed to. She was a woman with large potential. Shy and quiet, honest, and very intelligent, she was in essence the perfect little woman.

On the outside...

Inwardly, she felt differently. While it was true Ami kept up a public appearance, like Rei, she too had big shoes to fill. Reaching the same skill level as her mother was daunting, and she found herself at odds sometimes with her dreams. She looked at life in one very simple way. She had to be as perfect as she could be, so that her mother would not look at her as a failure. It was a stupid fear, surely, and Ami knew that. Her mother loved her, and although she wasn't ever around much, she supported Ami's choices in life.

All of them, including her less than desirable ones.

Not going to Germany, staying in a normal high school, even choosing to skip cram school multiple times for her friends, her mother accepted everything. Ami had freedom, and she could do as she wished. Her mother would allow it. Ami knew all of that, and yet, she felt the beginnings of rejections creep up. In passing, her mother had met all of Ami's friends, she even knew the sexuality of a few of them...not that Haruka and Michiru could hide very well, given their situation.

Ami sighed again, placing her head into her pillow. That was why she worried. She knew Rei couldn't hide forever, and eventually, she would be found out. The press was good at spinning stories, but even more than that, keeping quiet wasn't any life Ami wanted. It had been hours, and she hadn't found sleep. Her mother finally walked in the door, and Ami went to greet her. "Welcome home." Ami stretched, looking just as tired as the woman in front of her.

"Can't sleep?" Her mother asked, pulling out a tray of food, unwrapping the plastic and putting it in the oven.

"No not really." Ami answered as she sat down at the small table, looking carefully at the grains in the wood. "You'd think with all for the cramming I do, I'd be tuckered out by now. Normally I am I guess, but I just don't feel like sleeping tonight." Talking to her mother wasn't as difficult as everyone made it seem. Her friends thought the woman was almost spiteful in the ways she ignored her daughter. Ami knew it wasn't quite that bad, and had even come to enjoy her times alone. On occasions they'd spend the afternoon or evening catching up, and in Ami's eyes, that's what made times like this all the more important. They didn't have the luxuries of taking each other for granted, and as such, hardly ever fought.

"Does it have something to do with your...situation?" A situation, that's what her mother called it. Rei wasn't the only one who told someone, Ami had spoken at great length with her mother on the topic, and had even gone as so far as to identify each Sailor Senshi. "None of them came to the hospital, if that's what you're worried about."

"The youma a few nights ago was simple to take down. No doubt in my mind Pluto took proper care of it." Talking about responsibilities had been something fairly easy for both of them. However there were other topics that made conversations a bit difficult, and extremely awkward. "Mars came over today. Apparently, she's taking back her title. That's good, at least in my mind, but she said a few other things that, well...it just makes me uneasy, that's all." Matters of the heart were one such topic.

"Oh, and what did she have to say?" Saeko ashed her child.

"a lot, actually." Ami told the woman. "Apparently, I wasn't the only one who opened my big mouth."

"She told someone?" Saeko began making coffee, purely for the fact that she knew it would be a long night.

"Her grandfather." Ami explained. "He passed away two years ago, so her identity is still safe."

"Remind me again. Who is Mars?" Saeko knew Mars was the one who battled with fire, but the girl was still a stranger outside of battle.

"Rei, the one who overtook the Shinto Shrine I always went to visit." Ami's voice lowered a tiny bit, a shyness creeping into her tone.

"Ah yes, that girl." Saeko nodded. She recalled the young woman well, although, it was purely in face and name. Rei hadn't spoken outwardly, so it was hard imagining her personality. "I thought she always went running to the others when there was an issue. Could I be mistaken?"

"Minako, or sometimes Makoto." Ami said. "Normally, that's where she goes, but this was a bit different than your average social call." She felt unsure of herself, as she averted her eyes from her mother. The woman was clearly interested, and perhaps a bit worried. "She came over to confess her feelings for me, and they weren't the platonic sort." Her mother stiffened at this, and immediately, Ami ceased her speaking, gulping down her next words.

"I see." It was the cool, calm, and collected answer, but Saeko knew it sounded forced. "And I take it, you feel the same." Saeko proceeded cautiously. It was the first time in years Ami had shown an interest in anyone, and Saeko wasn't quite sure how to handle it.

"I-I don't know." Ami sighed pitifully, putting her head on the table, hiding her face from view. "I like her, but this is more complicated than normal people can understand."

Saeko had assumed that was a large part of the problem. "What you girls do, it isn't very easy, is it?" Intuition told Saeko all she needed to know about her daughter, especially in the past, when the girl was still very young. Ami was a late bloomer. Always, in everything that she did, it always came later, or in some cases never. In some ways, it was a blessing, however in times like this, a little heartbreak in younger years may have been something Ami needed. "Added onto that, matters of the heart are not something one can shrug off. It always lingers."

"We have obligations that can't be spoken about, and Rei doesn't want to put anyone in danger." Ami saw her mother's work badge glittering in the dim light of the kitchen. "Besides, we can't tarnish family names. You're famous, and often have interviews in the latest medical magazines. Rei's father is a high profile figure as well. Rei told me the relationship would have to be kept closeted. However, think of all that I've told you, and it's clearly impossible."

Her mother only chuckled darkly at that, sipping her now finished coffee, a bemused smile on her lips. "Only if you make it that way, Ami."

"What should I say to her, and then what will we do about it?" Her daughter begged for an answer that was methodical, one she could understand.

"Well, in my professional opinion, you both worry a great deal over nothing." Saeko began. " Reputations will make, or break themselves...and that's no fault of your own." Saeko knew well of such things, having gone through a few of her own scandalous situations in the past. "It may be true that the press may find out, and, it my hurt your reputation and mine. However, emotions such as that don't last long."

"how do you know for sure?" Ami asked then. "They say bad choices follow you forever."

"Those who know nothing of you, will no longer care." Saeko was a doctor of high standing, but it wasn't her lifestyle, friendships, or articles in the paper that got her there. "I'm in my late forties, Ami. I've seen a great deal in my life, I've watched as those I love became unhappy with my choices. However my life is my own, and I will make the choices I see fit, regardless of what others say."

"I know what you're saying, but that doesn't make it easier." Ami groused, annoyed with both herself and her current situation.

"Nothing anyone says ever will." Her mother replied, although she knew the real issues were not the ones being spoken about. "Forgive me while I embarrass the hell out of you for a moment, but Ami, you're a woman now, fully grown."

"Not this again." Ami muttered.

"I can't make choices for you. I want you to become happy, and fulfilled with your life. I understand that you've got a vastly different lifestyle than I would ever be able to comprehend." Saeko wasn't sure why she felt like the world was always out to get her. She was always such an insipid woman, and Ami was becoming much the same. "Love isn't anything you've ever come face to face with, and now you must."

"This isn't the birds and the bee's again, is it?" Ami questioned weary, knowing that as a child, when that discussion came up, it hadn't ended well at all.

"No. This is a discussion a mother gives her child, when she sees her little girl making the same mistakes." Her tone made Ami hush. Her mother though calm, had a far away look in her eyes. "I remember those days well. Feeling unsure of myself the first time I ever kissed a person. I remember laying in bed before making love for the first time, my heart raging, feeling as if I wouldn't be good enough." Ami's face was a tomato red by now, aghast at what her mother, of all people, was telling her.

"Oh lord." Ami's voice when unheard.

Her mother trudged on. "Our minds control our actions, sadly. I'd assume it's in our gene pool. We aren't the type of people who can let go of our worries, and just accept things. We're thinking constantly, but that makes for a very difficult romance."

"Mom, stop please! There are just some things I don't want to hear about." Ami shook her head, trying to clear away the images, unsure of why her mother was speaking so loosely. It was uncommon, and while they enjoyed casual discussion often, things of this matter were like a can of worms. Never opened, and always left safely ignored.

"Alright." Saeko relented a small bit, knowing that her daughter hated this type of thing. "You want to be a doctor, correct?"

"You already know that answer." Ami said getting up and going to the fridge.

"Then you must become open about these things." She watched her daughter pour a new glass of juice, her eyes of worry mingling with known truth.

"You're insistent on torturing me, aren't you?" It was one of the few times Ami could say she ever felt anger, let alone aimed at her own mother.

"On at least a professional level, yes I am." Saeko nodded. "Alright, so you won't talk with me about Rei, that's alright. It is a very sore topic right now." The type of work Ami wanted to do, meant she had to let go of her demeanor, at least partly. "However, to become a good doctor, you'll need more than those smarts of yours. Every now and then, you're going to get someone who's had an embarrassing issue. You'd be amazed the stories you'll hear, and sometimes, the questions you'll need to ask are the very same questions you have difficulty with."

"Rei isn't the sore topic." Ami stated, placing her glass in sink after she gulped it down. "It's alright for you, telling me what I should, and should not, be comfortable with. You've blazed that trail, you've come up with your own conclusions." Ami just wasn't that sort of person though. "I'm not like you. I could never bounce back in life in the ways you did, and as you've said before, there are just some things you can't possibly understand." She continued with a sigh. "My relationship with Rei, well, that's one of them."

Ami clenched her fists with both confusion and anger. "How could I understand when my heart says one thing, and the memories tell me something different?" She walked out of the room then, forgetting manners as she closed her bedroom door. She was tired, and the weight of the world felt like it was upon her shoulders.

"Kids" Saeko shrugged, knowing she wasn't going to get anywhere tonight. Instead, she just watched the oven, waiting for her dinner to finish cooking.

In a Shinto shrine, not far away, Rei faced her own level of torment.

"Please, let me stay." Hotaru had run away from home again. Yes, she looked young, but was almost an adult herself. "Please. I don't...I don't want to go back home." The shrine was like a second home for many Senshi, and Hotaru ran here often. Rei felt pity for the girl clinging onto her, nightmares, not unlike Rei's own, placed unspoken weight on her shoulders.

Realities unwanted came into Hotaru's mind unrelentingly. The fact that this girl was fighting with a parent, made matters all the worse. Hotaru rarely fought with anyone, but this time, she made the fight an all out war zone. "I don't want to go to school anymore. I don't want to have these memories. Why won't they just go away?"

"Our pasts are apart of us." Rei said softly, hugging her. It was hard to remember that Hotaru was a very fragile person. "They won't judge you. They couldn't, especially not Setsuna. She's part of the blame, remember?" She knew Hotaru was reaching her breaking point. Like all of the Senshi, the girl had something to hide, things that she would rather stay buried. "We're your family, we love you." Memories always surfaced though, no matter what Hotaru wanted.

"Yes, but it's a different kind of love." Hotaru sobbed, burring herself deeper into Rei's protective embrace. "She raised me." The girl whispered, Rei could hardly hear it, and the girl shook once more with tears. "I must be so twisted." Rei felt badly for this, and yet, there wasn't anything she could do about it. Rei could hold onto this girl all night, and there wouldn't be any real solace. It was a common fact all of them had faced at least once...but this time, monsters under the bed seemed like a far away thing. Rei would have preferred them. At least then, she could coddle Hotaru as the Senshi always did, protecting the girl from whatever fear she had.

"You can stay with me for the night." Rei told her after some careful thought. "I won't cast you out." While it was true personal space wasn't in the stars when it came to their little group, Rei often found that Hotaru never got near anyone. At least not in a way like this. It boggled Rei. They all had a hand in raising her, and it became apparent that Hotaru needed so many people, and so much love. Without it, Hotaru merely would have become a monster again, unfeeling, and hardly human.

However, even now, with such kindness lavished upon her, the only thing Hotaru could do, was fear being killed.

"She will." Hotaru cried, still distraught. Rei knew sleep would be a fleeting for both of them, and silently watched the fire. It was the only thing she could do. That night, just like many others, she sat in on the floor, gazing deeply into the flickers of nothingness. All the while, protecting a girl, who felt as if she could no longer protect herself.

"I doubt she will, but, we shouldn't worry about that." No one could protect themselves forever, after all. "For now, at least."

More chapters later.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 4:

Anger, resentment, and loneliness were all things that could easily be felt by anyone in the world.

Those with seemingly happy lives could only be that way because of hardship. That was a lesson Setsuna had learned early in her life. Perhaps, in retrospect, it was the only thing she called an absolute truth. Many things could be argued, but not that fact. Especially not for one girl. During childhood, Hotaru faced more pain and hardship than Setsuna wouldn't wish any enemy, and this girl was a comrade.

Her life was given a new meaning and a fresh start, something everyone could be thankful for. Her illnesses left her body, and her future became bright, for once in her life. Yet, Hotaru was a being to be scorned. She was fated never to be happy. It was an odd paradox, and Setsuna often mulled over the events. "She used to be my lover." Setsuna said with protected emotions. Her eyes looking onward, although not particularly observing anything of interest. "I find it funny that the same woman I slept with, would one day become a child I raised." The morning was dull and lifeless, the sun refusing to shine. "She's beginning to remember, and I fear there is very little I can do for her." The cloudy sky above made the world look lonely and desolate.

It was as if those still occupying the normally joyous household had been trapped in a glass box. Both unable to escape, and unwilling to see the deeper issues. "If she would stop running to Rei all the time, I think she'd be better off." Haruka sighed, this battle was fraying her nerves. She loved her family, but even as a powerful Sailor Senshi, she could do nothing to combat the war. "What happened to my daughter?"

"I think that may be the wrong question, dear." Michiru, for her part stayed out most of the conflicts. Haruka wished nothing more than to father Hotaru, something the masculine woman had always done. Setsuna wanted Hotaru to simply forget what had transpired in the past, a skill needed for basic survival among Senshi related matters. "A more appropriate question is, when did she become our daughter?" Michiru forever the calm one, proceeded to go about daily life as she had always done. "Hotaru was never intended to become a child of ours, do not forget that."

"She became our child, under circumstances beyond our control." Haruka answered, that much was obvious. "However, she became my daughter, because you both forced me to be nice to her. If it hadn't been for that, I would have ignored her. Blame yourselves for that one, not me." Haruka sipped her tea, but it had gotten cold. It was as if no warmth could ever be found in the house, not without such an important member gone. "Stupid kid gave me a family, and for once, I let myself get cozy with the idea." With that admission, she left the room, the conversation doing no more than anger her further.

"Shouldn't you follow her?" Setsuna watched on in awe as the woman of aqua continued her painting, not at all worried with Haruka's departure. Haruka was known for her easily stirred emotions, and Michiru's demeanor was often cold enough to ignore it.

"Her pain isn't something we can rationalize." Michiru spoke gently, placing down her brush, and carefully selecting another paint color. "She'll return when she feels like it. Haruka is fleeting with each breath she takes, she wouldn't find any solace just sitting around."

"I know that, but even so." Setsuna saw the blond storm out of the front door and down the street. "I can't help but think that Haruka will break, if this keeps up." Admittedly, Setsuna knew the two of them weren't any better off.

Eyes as deep as pools regarded Setsuna for a moment before she returned to her task at hand. "Haruka will work this out on her own, as she does with everything else that troubles her."

"Not a comfort." Shizuru replied then.

"She is not my main concern in any of this. Haruka is brash, but, she is also strong." After choosing a dark blue color, Michiru continued on painting, using a new brush for the job. "Hotaru on the other hand is young. She lacks the necessary qualities to deal with this type of situation on her own, and her fear of us goes without saying. There is no doubt rejection clouds her judgment."

"It isn't as if she should accept the situation either." Setsuna rebuked, she knew where Michiru was headed with that line of thought. "Would you fall in love with the woman who raised you? Would you think thoughts, and bring up memories, that should stay shadowed at best?" Her voice was quiet, but full of it's own hate, something easily aimed at herself for all that she had done long ago. "Furthermore, could you ever look the woman in the eye again, knowing she mothered you, only to want something shared by only lovers?" Setsuna shook her head. "If she hated me, I'd be happy. It would mean that I could go on living, without crossing lines that simply should never be touched."

"Although you don't believe me when I say it, love is also an absolute truth." Her painting was grim, dark, and filled with melancholy that Michiru didn't often exude. Still, she left it unfinished and removed her smock. "Without it, Usagi would have nothing to fight for, and that girl Haruka calls her child, would have been dead. Killed by our hands." She was a goddess in her own ways. Mysterious, beautiful, cunning, and partially untamed. "If love didn't exist, would we even be here? Would the Sailor Senshi even have a reason for being?"

"You're grasping at straws." Setsuna told Michiru evenly. "I know what you mean, but really? I'd expect this from one of the younger girls."

"I believe that answer is something we all know well." Michiru agreed. "I also believe that because we are Senshi, no matter what type of love we share, that love could never be wrong."

Perhaps Michiru had a point, Setsuna reasoned, but she didn't agree. Her silence spoke for her when Michiru claimed her lips forcefully. The sinful little sigh both a gift and a curse. When had a woman, one as feminine as Michiru, waltzed into her life as someone more than a sister in arms? Why had Haruka taken her to bed? Why did she share such deep relations with these two women?

Setsuna couldn't really say, but Hotaru was the culprit for many things. Good feelings, such as love, family, and wishing to be a woman of a deeper calling. All of Setsuna's personal wishes granted by a small baby, who at one point, was quite the black sheep in the household. She was also the cause of many bad things, and fears often kept Setsuna from peaceful sleep at night.

It was all because of Hotaru, all because of a baby whom she raised...Hotaru...her lover in a past long ago.

The solution would not be an easy one, and it would rest on one person alone. Even Rei knew this fact, as she watched the girl tend to the shrine duties. They were both sleepy, a day of work a welcomed distraction, and yet, not nearly enough to give either of them comfort. Rei became uneasy watching the girl before her. There were many times when Rei questioned her faith, and sometimes even herself. It was part of life. Still, as Hotaru continued to sweep the grounds, there was no more clarity in the action as there had been last night in front of the fire.

Skipping school wasn't always a good thing, but Rei played along and made up an excuse, allowing Hotaru a day to be alone. That day, however, would be interrupted by a guest that Hotaru would have normally welcomed.

Today though, she ran into Rei's room locking the door behind her.

"It's alright, I'll deal with her." Rei told Hotaru softly, her back turned to the door. With all of the natural poise expected, she welcomed Haruka to the shrine. The greeting was stressed, and the two of them knew formalities weren't something common. It was, odd, and ill mannered among the Senshi. "I'm sure you're here looking for Hotaru, but she's best left alone right now."

"If you already know what's going on, than I'll be blunt." Haruka spoke firmly. "Do not interfere with what she knows, don't take away the only life Hotaru has ever accepted." It was an order and a hidden plea.

"Accepted?" Rei scoffed. "That's a rather strong word for it." The entire idea alone was completely asinine. "More like tolerate, isn't it?"

"It is." Haruka agreed. "Hotaru needs better, we all know that. Regardless of the morals, I'm still her papa, and her family isn't here." Her blond hair hid her eyes from Rei, but the tremble in Haruka's voice wasn't lost on anyone. It was poorly concealed, and perhaps that part was for the better. "Don't stand in the way of our happy family."

"I'm not given much of a choice in the matter." Rei told her evenly. "Hotaru runs to the others, she runs to me. You don't have jurisdiction over her life, Haruka. Not when she puts me in the middle of it. I can't just cast her away, think of what it would do? Think of how much more she would be hurting." Rei sighed then, the pain was easy to see, the confusion even more so. "I won't influence her decision. If she asks me for help, I won't deny her either."

"You have other things you should be worried about." Haruka was lost, and it was clear she felt as if her role in Hotaru's life had been ripped away from her. Jealousy was something all of them had from time to time, but Haruka's was something deeper than anyone would understand. "Last I heard, you left your duties behind. Don't pretend that you could ever protect Hotaru. Not from the very task you threw away."

Rei produced her wand from between two fingers, twirling it around in her hand, casually standing her place. "I never said I would walk away from those I care about." Putting the wand back in her pocket, she instead snapped her fingers, pulling forth fire from a small spark. Her eyes grew saddened by that flame. "I could never get rid of my powers. None of us can. We can't get rid of our memories either, so we have to accept them. I understand that just as well, if not better, than you do, Haruka." Those words also filled with failed desires.

"I just want to know why?" Eyes of hardened blue were those than had seen a great deal in life. The pain seemed crystal clear, but there was something else Rei saw in that moment. "I used to be able to do anything. I was the strong one who protected that little girl. She ran behind only me and Michiru in those days, short as they were. She's grown up, and I want to know why I've lost all of that time. Where did it go? Furthermore, what does she want from me? Better yet, does she love Setsuna?"

"Will you let her love Setsuna." That's what Rei feared the answer of. "Could you accept her, if she chose such a life?"

"I could never love Hotaru as more than my daughter." Haruka said with absolute certainty. "However, I can't speak for Setsuna." Beyond that, Haruka didn't have answers. "I love Setsuna though, as does Michiru. That love can't be broken, no mater what Setsuna chooses to do. We share a bed, we share our hearts, but Hotaru will threaten that if she leave us. If she keeps running, I fear our family, as fragile as it is, will end up breaking apart. We aren't as strong as we all look, and Hotaru is the only reason Setsuna's became as dear to us. Before Hotaru was around, Setsuna wouldn't get close."

"She's still confused, and if we're both honest, it isn't you that Hotaru needs the most right now." They could both agree on that that much, as Haruka nodded.

"Just, let her know, when she wants, she can come home." Haruka said as she gazed at the grounds of the shrine, taking in the calm of everything. It seemed forced in its own way. There was no way anything could be peaceful in the eyes of a Senshi. "Until she chooses to do so, I'll leave her in your care. If harm comes to Hotaru, I'll kill you with my bare hands."

"I wouldn't have it any other way." Rei joked knowing full well there was nothing here that could possibly harm the girl. As she watched Haruka take her leave down the steps of the shrine, she couldn't help but wonder what was really going on with all of them. Still, she didn't allow herself to question it, her mind wandering.

Thinking about the girl who still hadn't called her, Ami.

Perhaps, that was for the best. Rei shrugged, and decided to busy herself once more. Shortly after, Hotaru came out of hiding, and timidly got back to work. Rei didn't say much about what went on, and Hotaru didn't seem particularly interested.

The day dragged on into night. The sun rose and set, and days passed into a week. Life had begun a routine. Hotaru hadn't gone home, and Ami hadn't called or came by. Rei felt more alone than ever, but unflinchingly she continued her task. It was the only life she had ever known.

More chapters later.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 5

Time trickled by, and so too, the fleeting emotions of youth. life passed them by, but just as droplets slip down the drain, the same could be said for the moments they couldn't capture. It wasn't spoken of, but everyone knew something was amiss.

As teens, the girls had wrapped themselves up in a protective bundle of lies and half truths. Most of it was to their families, to help conceal their identities. Others were to friends, people they couldn't fully trust. Sometimes, it was a lie based upon fact. One they told themselves just to get through the next day. Each one made a different layer, and thus, a new barrier, that others couldn't see through.

If the outside world couldn't, then the lies had done a fine job.

The Senshi as a unit however, could see each tiny lie and each dark truth. Some, admittedly were better as seeing them than others. A few Senshi were more sought out, and a few others didn't particularly trifle in the affairs that didn't concern them. Some found less solace in talking, and more in action. They each had a place, a way to help each other.

It was how life was mean to be, at least, as teens...the problem was, they were adults now. That truth hammered into the head of each individual in different ways.

Rei's truth had come more quickly than she would have liked, but, she also hadn't damned fate either. Sooner or later, life would have to take action. She would just have to take the reins. For Hotaru, it was much the same. The girl was far wiser than her age let on. Still, a troubled teen was simply that, no matter how smart or reserved they were. A runaway teen could be considered worse, and Hotaru, although nearly an adult, lacked many things emotionally.

In the eyes of many, the girl was still merely that. One to be protected.

"I just want life to be normal again." However, in the dead of early mornings, when all seemed to be at peace, Hotaru never was.

"Who says that it can't be?" Rei, as of recently, also found that she couldn't remain calm.

"I can't face them until I know what normality that is. My memories say one thing, but..." Hotaru was confused, perhaps, but a far cry from what many would expect. "Well, how do you go about telling someone you love them, when that person cleaned your butt as a baby for gods sake." She could fell her cheeks turn red, and if she were honest, she didn't know what she was going to do.

Rei laughed at that, the humorous statement very true in many ways. "Point taken." Early mornings, they sat around, talking about whatever they felt like. "I've never had that issue, so I can't say I have an answer for that."

"It's not like I can just forget about the life I lead now, when the things I remember in my past are so vivid." Hotaru was mild mannered, if not a bit shy at times. It would take time for her to do anything. A step forward had to be agonized over, and, it had to be done at great length. "Setsuna hasn't changed much, either...and in the ways she has, it's all good things. Things that make me want to be with her again." Hotaru was not a person who took risks easily.

"God, this is embarrassing!" Hotaru ranted, her mind still in places she wished it not to be. Old memories stirring more tales that her baby photos could ever tell of. "Why did she have to go along and adopt me?"

"We all did, in our own ways." Rei smiled at that, Hotaru's childhood something she knew well of. "Even Chibiusa would play with you as an infant." Rei sighed as she looked at the clock, there was work to be starting soon. "I can't say how I feel about this entire love thing, I've got the same problem myself, but perhaps you should look at it differently."

"I'm listening." Her voice was occasionally darkened by her level of stress, and this was one of those times. It was a reminder of just who Hotaru was, a reminder of just who she could be, if things didn't go well.

"We all knew you as a baby, we all saw you grow up." Rei said then, recalling many times that she watched over Hotaru as a young child. "Even if it wasn't Setsuna, wouldn't this be just as awkward if it was any of us?"

"There are some people who would be worse than others." Hotaru muttered. "Think about it...we should all just be glad that I'm feeling this way over Minako, she doesn't have any tact at all."

"True." Rei shivered at the thought. "Though, in saying that, there's a particular level of advantage to having relations to a person who doesn't trifle herself over these types of problems."

"Like what?" Spoken in works that were honestly interested, it would be hard for anyone to refuse the girl.

"Minako's been hurt before, and it's made her a stronger person because of it." Rei spoke cautiously. She knew well of Minako's past, but she didn't feel right speaking deeply about another person like that. "Anyway, everyone gets those weird phases growing up, yours just kinda hit you like a ton of bricks. It seemed like every few days, you'd hit another milestone, some of them more noteworthy than others. The first time you got a period, I thought Haruka would die."

"Don't remind me of that!" Hotaru was mortified, that was one day better left buried in the past.

"At least Haruka is a woman." Rei told her, shaking her head. "I had to tell my grandfather when I had mine, my he rest in peace."

"Papa is no woman." Hotaru shot back. "At least not woman enough to deal with that."

"The poor sales clerk." Rei agreed. "Then again, it could have been worse."

"How could it possibly get any worse, than buying one of each thing on the shelf?" That was one of many questions best left unanswered. "I mean, she's a girl too, you'd think she would know what to get. She didn't have to destroy the isle in her wake either." Rei snickered at that, knowing just how much worse it got. "And she didn't have to announce that I was 'on the red.' when I bit her head off afterward."

"Don't worry about that." Rei said doing her best to hold in her laughter, failing horridly. "Makoto and I stood up for you after you locked yourself in your room. Come to think of it, I still don't understand why she hadn't sent one of us in the store to get the pads for you." Girl talk saved them in the worst of times, and provided wonderful comical relief when nothing else could. It wasn't long after their laughter died down that they began preparing the shrine.

It left Rei with some time to think, and as she began selecting different topics for the mornings sermon, her mind began to drift. Her thoughts focused more on Hotaru, and her reasons for staying at the shrine so long.

It was a loneliness that brought them together. The feelings of no one truly understanding them, a large part of their common denominator. Rei often wondered if she was committing some sort of horrible crime against her own soul. The many days seemed like such a long time, and she wasn't exactly a strong woman. Not emotionally...everyone thought she was...and that was her problem. When could she truly be weak? When could she be offered a guiding hand?

Hotaru, for her part, really wasn't any better. In her eyes, something dark lurked beneath what she would admit. They played around each other, those feelings a secret neither would cave on.

It would be so easy, and so encouraged, but neither of them were such the type.

Rei almost wanted logical reasoning to fall away from both of them. She had almost wished that Hotaru would join her in bed, as more than just a companion. The girl wasn't daft, Rei learned that part early on. The girl had also sent very subtle hints. If Rei ever made a move on her, Hotaru would accept it. Rei assumed it was for the same reasons. She was growing a deeper understand, and a new fondness for Hotaru. One that in time, could help erase old scars, and mend painful wounds. There was also the fear of denied feelings. But they didn't have feelings, love, or otherwise towards each other.

It would be a horrible sin, but perhaps a needed escape none the less. If life petered on like this for the rest of eternity, then so too, would their ever troubled thoughts and fleeting wishes. Eventually, Rei was sure, that of no one said anything, she and Hotaru would find themselves in a tangled embrace. Sex without love was a bad thing, it was a horrific detail, and the gods would hate her for it. That's what kept Rei clean, pure, and honest with herself.

Her faith...her belief that one day she would meet these gods that governed her very soul. That she would stand before some sort of maker, some sort of keeper, and receive a form of judgement for her crimes. May all of the gods in the universe help her, if that maker was a mortal one...may the gods save her sorry ass, if Usagi were ever to be the one to do it. That was one level of hell, Rei could never take.

But, as frightening as it was to think about, life wasn't eternal.

There was a beginning for every end, and a new start for every lost hope. Fate toyed with them relentlessly, and they knew suffering came with great rewards. At least, that's what time had taught them, after meeting Usagi. Still, their princess was strictly that, and they were not ladies in waiting. Details like that struck Rei hard. Idly, she wondered why Ami hadn't sought her out. She would imagine little snippets of storyline, things she could play with. They never left her own head though.

Mental rejection was something she could deny later. She could cast it aside, and as long as she never gave thoughts and feelings purchase within reality, she could call them a bad dream and be done with it.

Bad dreams don't walk up the steps. They can't leave a donation, they can't pray. It was all the things that couldn't be done. That's what told Rei that this wasn't a dream.

The person she was seeing before her, the woman was real. Still, she didn't rush over, her fear kept her as if she were stuck. Unable to move, running away not even an option. Her lips felt dry, and her hands clammy. The blood drained from her body, and she knew that a particular meeting wouldn't be going on for at least a few more hours. Ami's reasons for coming early seemed unplanned, and the girl lingered for some time, her eyes closed in a rather long prayer.

A week had passed, Rei finally realized that.

It had been that long, the road had been pushed forth. Ami couldn't hide from Rei forever. The two of them would have to speak. With her ever cynical mind at war with her, she spoke, something she ought not to have done so hastily. "The meeting isn't for a few hours." Her voice was firmer than she had meant it to sound, as if she would place up a wall, protection for a clearly marked rejection. The girl had said something, but it was inaudible, and Rei's own temper grew. "What? You can't speak to me now? Are you that disgusted with me?"

"I said, I know." Ami whirled around, her eyes not nearly as firm as Rei's own. One momentary glance told her as much. Rei was livid, but Ami was not at ease either. "I would have to face you eventually." Ami's voice sounded cold, not hateful, but clearly hurting. "However, as forced as my coming here may seem, that doesn't mean I feel ready. I can't give you any proper answer, and if I cannot do that, then I have no business answering you at all." Bristled with worries, barbed with ammunition Rei dare not guess, she could see Ami had been in agony.

"You'll have to tell me something, someday." Rei told her quietly. "Then again, not telling me anything at all...it should be enough of an answer."

"I'm glad you see fit to answer your own questions." Ami bit out before sighing deeply. "I can't answer things so casually, you told me so yourself."

Rei stood there nervously, scratching the side of her arm as she approached. She hesitated as she brought her quivering hand to cup Ami's porcelain cheek. "I didn't mean to cause anyone trouble, least of all you." That cheek grew warm in moments, a blush painting emotions onto an empty canvas. The shorter girl was so hard to read in the hardest of times, her reactions nearly explosive in the heat of things. "My intentions were muddled, I didn't know what I expected, or even what I wanted." The cusp of many futures stood between them now, and none of them seemed bright. "It's alright though, I'm alright, you'll be alright too." Rei stumbled for the right words, finding none. "Alright?"

"Don't you dare ignore it now." Ami whispered, her eyes shinning with tears. "Don't pretend we can just go back to the way things were." Rei could see Ami tensing up, and for a moment Rei wondered if she was biting off more than she could chew. This girl before her not one to question, and never when emotionally challenged. "It doesn't work that way, Hino Rei." And now was one of those times. "You can't say one thing, and then try to take it back."

The angry address wasn't what she had expected though, that tone used only once before. That time was far away now, but the power Ami had was frightful back then. Determination her most forceful tool in any battle, whits or otherwise. It was a provocation Rei would take, and also one she would fire back.

"But that's what I'm trying to do, isn't it?" Rei spat, as if the accusation was partial truth. "Trying to put back a friendship before we do something stupid." One she hated admitting. "If you want to slap me, fine." Fire may have been her power, but Rei's tongue was venomous. "Do it!" Her challenging glare worse than that of a cobra looking at pray. "I don't care anymore. Just forget about it, it'll be easier if you do."

Rei couldn't tell she was crying. She hadn't noticed the tears falling down her face. Ami, she saw them though, and sighed. With resolve that she hated exhibiting on the best of days, and hardly ever on the worst of them, she pinned Rei quickly to the nearby pillar. "You're such a bastard." It was quietly spoken, and it felt like a knife when they both heard the words. Still, she didn't let go of the girl, instead she did the last thing on earth she had come here to do...

Ami kissed her.

Forcing access into Rei's mouth, pressing her petite body into Rei's own. It was ravenous, and something never expected, not from a girl such as herself. She claimed the woman in front of her with a force she hadn't even begun to understand. It was when she realized what she was doing, that she pushed herself away violently. Sighing, running a hand through her hair, as she fell down onto her knees. Struggling for breath, she covered her mouth with her hand. "God..." Ami gasped. "Why do I love you?"

Rei didn't have an answer for her. The woman hadn't the slightest idea what happened until it had been over with, the tips of her fingers perched lightly over her lips. "I wish I knew that myself." Awe filled her voice, but it wasn't redemption in Rei's eyes. It was something far more unclear.

More chapters later.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 6

Just as quickly as the initial shock had been, reality snapped back into place with a jolt.

Rei, realizing just where she was, and that Ami was still crying on the ground. Looking around quickly, she was glad no one had seen anything, but cursed herself for letting Ami get careless in the first place. Grabbing the girl's arm, she dragged her into the shrine, and sighed, leaning heavily upon the door frame. She felt numbed by the truth. Ami's words still leaving a bleeding wound. The girl still so broken, only adding poison into Rei's heart like a slow drip. "I may be a bastard, but that's my choice." She told Ami softly, although she knew that wasn't the real issue at hand. "I'm not the only one at fault for this."

She left her room and went down the hall into the kitchen, leaving Ami to fend on her own for a while.

No one really understood how difficult life had been. Her work wasn't done after the day's end. Once the shrine closed to the public, Rei still had normal chores to do, housework that needed to get done. She still needed to eat, and she, just like all other insignificant humans out there, still had a life that called for order and regulations held by higher powers. Being a Sailor Senshi only gave her more responsibilities. Her current task being one of them. She felt even worse doing it, but as Rei dusted off one of her grandfather's old signs, she smiled at his memory.

It didn't take her long to post it at the entrance, the shrine was closed. It was hardly evening yet, the sun was high in the sky, occasionally hiding behind clouds. The tree's branches swayed in breeze, and for all that it was worth, the day looked like a happy one. The canvas was little more than a lie. Great sorrow filled the area, and it was something that reminded Rei of her grandfather's harsh teachings.

He was a kind and gentle man, who's perverse suggestions and playful demeanor made everyone smile. However, he was also strict in hidden ways. To love anyone meant taking great strides in protecting that love. To marry and settle down was apart of that. To bring forth the next generation was not only a right, it was her responsibility. She loved him for those reasons, his gentle hand guiding her through life in such a way, that she had found enlightenment within her faith and within herself.

I've heard there was a secret chord  
That David played, and it pleased the Lord

However, his lessons were never made to be understood while he had been alive. Rei knew that now. Within the two years she had been alone, Rei had taken new meaning and warning to the words he had given her. The passages he marked, some of the most truthful for her own soul. Understanding his actual intent had been difficult at first, but after she'd come to her own conclusions, life once again slipped into place. She couldn't ever thank him enough for that.

But you don't really care for music, do you?

It was only after she'd finished placing the sign, that Rei actually let her mind drift to the woman in her home. Her beating heart told her to run and hold Ami, to make the sadness go away. Yet, as much as she wanted to do just that, Rei knew it wasn't the answer they both needed. It was the answer Ami wanted, she was sure, but love didn't work that way.

If it did, a lot of people in Rei's life would still be around. Her loving family would have been just that. She wouldn't have been alone, and even the Sailor Senshi would be a stronger fighting force. A power beyond what they were.

"Something happened." Rei heard the voice behind her and nodded her head. Hotaru had returned from school. Slowly, she placed her fingers upon her forehead. Yes, surely the others would know. "Is there a youma?"

"No." Rei answered. Her forehead was warmed by the light of her powers. It was often a distress call, or one of highly emotional standing. "There's no youma." Often times, it was Usagi's heart that ended up broadcasting out in such a way. "Ami finally came over. I upset her." Rei told Hotaru. Her voice soft and monotone in such a way, Hotaru didn't know if she should be angered or worried. "She kissed me, and called me a bastard. I was willing to let go of her, ya know."

"Ami doesn't often cuss." Hotaru settled for the latter. "Shouldn't you apologize?"

It goes like this

"I can't go comfort her, if that's what you want me to do." Rei told Hotaru in a harsh tone that waned out as soon as it began. "Ami has to decide what she wants for herself. Emotions without restrictions can get all of us into trouble." Rei opened her communicator, and issued the first order in such a long time, everyone seemed edgy when they first saw her face. "We're canceling the meeting tonight. If you still want to hold one, you can, but Ami and I won't be attending. A personal issue has come up, it is my first priority as a Sailor Senshi to deal with it." She snapped down the top then, ending the call, although idly, she could hear them trying to call back. "You can do what you want Hotaru, I won't cast you aside."

The fourth,

"It must be agony going through that alone." Hotaru whispered as she felt the warmth upon her brow. "What do you want?" Hotaru asked her softly. "What do you expect out of all of this?" Hotaru could feel her forehead cooling, as if Ami's crying was slowly dying out into soft sobs. It felt empty, and Hotaru knew if she could feel it, everyone else had an even stronger hold on the feeling.

The fifth

"Someone who can stand by my side." Rei's refusal to acknowledge Ami, confused the younger girl.

"That's all any of us really want." Hotaru had felt that way her entire life.

"We all have different conditions." The reminder was ruthless. "Mine are demanding, and Ami has to accept the terms as they are, or, she has to let it go."

"That's stupid." Hotaru answered in reply. "You're an idiot if you can justify it that way."

The minor fall,

"I'm the idiot?" Rei laughed a little at that. It was cute, in its own little way. The childish part of Hotaru came through in that statement. "I'm not the only one, you know. We all are." It was meant to be a friendly gesture when Rei hugged the girl. "You'll understand one day, when Setsuna faces you down. Then you'll see what I mean."

The major lift

"She wouldn't ever face me." It was a truth Hotaru had come to accept. "She doesn't think that way. She knows the future is set into motion by each and every action. The future we want is the one she protects with her every breath. That means she won't ever take action, unless she absolutely must." Rei's eyes held deeper questions, and it became hard for Hotaru to keep contact with those lavender orbs. "I don't know what future I want for myself, and that choice is mine to make when I'm ready. At least, that's what she's always told me."

The baffled king composing Hallelujah

"Our futures are the one thing we have in common...but we hold all the cards. We always have, Hotaru." Many of the others hadn't realized that, but Rei had known for a long time. "However, those that know what you and I do, they are also afraid of changing that future. Usagi is our princess, we are the ones who protect her. That is what our future will be, regardless of what we may want. Everything else comes second. We've been happy living that lie, but the reality is, none of us can live like that alone. We need others, and our own selfish desires need to be fulfilled as well. Without them, we are little more than slaves. None of us would be happy like that, and the future we all strive for would eventually fall."

Hallelujah,

"How can you say that?" Hotaru asked, and Rei sighed in earnest. This girl was still so easy to upset, her young mind easily swayed in the worst of ways.

Hallelujah

"How can you ignore it?" Rei shot back softly. A question for a question. One the both knew the answer of. "You're job is to destroy places where there is no hope for redemption. In that Hotaru, you're no different than I am. You've seen it, you know that we can't accept life to be a singular path without choices. Setsuna may be happy to do so, but even so, she lives a path of unwavering devotion, because she wishes it. She wants the future to come here quickly, with as little difficulty as possible. Even she knows that troubled times will befall all of us sooner or later."

Hallelujah,

"That still doesn't explain why you're hurting Ami so much." It was a circle, a never ending battle it seemed, and Rei felt the weight of the younger girl's words fall upon her like a cloak.

"It explains everything Hotaru." Rei told her. "Why do you insist on fighting me?"

"You'll never understand." Hotaru whispered softly, turning her back on Rei, and slowly walking away from the shrine. "Life isn't just about being born. It goes farther than destiny and fate. A heart of gold like Usagi's can get you far, but it can't rule a kingdom. If you love too much, you'll become blind to those around you. If your hate consumes you, you'll never see clearly enough to make any choices in life. I know those lessons well. My memories give me all of those answers, but it isn't who I am. It's who I was." Her voice was monotone when she said that. "I thought you knew that, and in turn, that you understood me, Rei. I guess I was wrong."

Hallelujah

As Hotaru walked away from the shrine she sighed, thinking about all the times she could remember. There were so many she could recall, from many different lives. Still, her mind couldn't forget what her most recent childhood had been. A sickly child, she suffered, went through hell in a hand basket, died...and began a new life. Her innocence was taken away from her again, in the form of her powers, not long after. Each and every incarnation she went through followed a similar pattern. She lived a short life, and died not long after. It was seldom that she had ever seen adulthood.

During those times, Hotaru had only one lover, and the woman had taken great care of her as only a partner could. Hotaru remembered those times well.

"History repeats itself I see." It was a simple statement, made by the last woman on earth, that Hotaru wanted to see. "Although, I remember a far different target of such aggressive questions."

"I hated you at first. You and your stupid tales about the world ending. That, and all of those battles. Everyone believed you, that I was a monster. " Hotaru shrugged away the memories of that time. "So what? Most love isn't perfect at first. Lord knows it." She didn't want to look at her. The woman was beautiful, she hadn't aged a day, hadn't changed at all. For Hotaru, that made the past even more her reality. "The fact you gave into temptation back then, it proved quite a lot."

Your faith was strong but you needed proof  
You saw her bathing on the roof  
Her beauty in the moonlight overthrew you

"It isn't perfect ever." Setsuna replied as she pulled her hair away from her eyes. That long midnight hair, that was normally as well kept as its master. "We aren't able to be perfect, so our memories and feelings can't possibly attain such nirvana." Her deep eyes of crimson, seeing what most never could. Merely asking, would gift her an answer. Only for those deep, shimmering eyes that so captivated Hotaru. Dark and unholy, like blood. Mystifying, like redemption. "Just like back then, it wasn't my choice to treat you with kindness. That was Usagi, her eyes so very much like those of her mother. They see even more than I do."

"But you trusted her. You let yourself get close enough to trust me. You, and half the kingdom." Hotaru laughed grimly. "But that was back then. History doesn't repeat, at least, it shouldn't."

"It will though, my child." Hotaru cringed at that statement, and inwardly, so did Setsuna. "That is what you have become. A baby, one with such innocence, that I felt the need to raise you as my own. We all cared for you, because we saw no other way to keep an eye on you. You're still an enemy, we just trust you now, that's all."

"I know my place." Hotaru nodded. "I'll become an enemy you'll fight, if the world must be ended." Neither of them had to worry though. The future, even the nearest day, was bright enough that ending it wouldn't happen. "The question remains, do you know yours?"

"That answer lies within you." Setsuna told her. "I can't make decisions for you, and it looks to me as if I am little more than a chapter you wish to close."

She tied you to a kitchen chair

"It's not that I want to." Hotaru sighed dejectedly. "But I've got to. What we did back then can't happen here. Besides, aren't you happy...with them I mean..."

"Michiru is a calm and dedicated lover. Cold and aloof, yes, however you know she never wavers when she must complete her mission. That has held truthful as a Senshi, as my lover, and as your mother. You know that well." Setsuna closed her eyes, a soft smile on her face as she recalled many happy memories, ones that held the perfect image, one still framed in her mind. "As for Haruka, she worries. Her eyes are on you always. You gave her, well all of us, something to be happy for. She may love me with all of her heart, but that heart is big, and perhaps she is who you most resemble. She is the doting lover, and her brash reactions are not unlike yours. Am I happy? Yes. Could I become happier? That is an unknown answer. I may never have one."

She broke your throne,

Hotaru nodded, accepting that, but she didn't think it was the full truth. Regretting even trying in the first place, she felt at a loss. Her old memories something fleeting. "I just wanted to be welcomed back then. Now, I feel like I'm justifying everything, because of what we are." It would have been easy to go to the woman in front of her, acting as a frightened child on a stormy night. It would gave been even more invigorating for her, to make a pass as the woman she considered a mother. "Those whom we serve, they always try and save me, don't they?"

and she cut your hair

"That was how things began, yes." Setsuna had to admit that before all else. "Times do change. Back then, there were many who loved you." Still, the eyes of a cold, murderous Senshi, wasn't something Setsuna gazed upon. At least, not in the eyes of Hotaru, who's dark light would cast a glow even in the most evil of rooms, if the girl wished it. "Many will always love you." Raising her, had changed the perspective even more. Seeing a baby, defenseless and without a cause, grow slowly into a fearful little girl, and then a petulant teen...seeing Hotaru now, there wasn't much they could do. "Are you ashamed?"

And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah

"Honestly?" Their eyes met slowly. "Yes I am."

"Then you want nothing more from me?" Both shinning with unspoken resolve.

"I do not know." Both answers and questions whispered upon the air.

"Nor do I." Barely a breath of life in them.

Hallelujah,

"Then how can you do this to me?" Hotaru exclaimed, anger in every word. "Showing up in front of me, as if you know all the answers! Then again you do...you do!" It was filled both with viciousness and defeat. Both of them in a stare down of whits, and Hotaru lost, her eyes downcast. "You know your answer. You know everything by now."

Hallelujah

"I hold no such information." It was a stern retort, but that's all that Setsuna required. Emotions weren't needed by one such as her. "I am not granted every answer on this good green earth. The one I seek, does not lie within the gates of this time, that we so protect. I am not Sailor Pluto guardian of time and space purely for my whims, Hotaru." Yet, although a woman of her nature required them very little, she had become human in a short amount of time. "I understand what passion means, what feeling love truly means, because of Haruka and Michiru. It isn't a sacrifice with them, it isn't to burn away the pains of our lives. Why can't you be like that?"

Hallelujah,

"I am like that, because of my new life." Hotaru told her softly, not accepting Setsuna's simplified answers. "I could get naked right now, we could go back to our old ways. We'll have sex, and then go about our lives. Isn't that what we used to do?" That's what she had wanted in a long ago past. "Be angry with me, give me what I want, and then throw me away!" Hotaru screamed as she tore off her shirt, throwing onto the grass, clad in only her bra and skirt. "After you have your way with me, you can go back to your happy little family. Then I can move on."

Hallelujah

"You poor girl." Setsuna sighed, stepping closer to Hotaru, pulling her into an embrace. "Love isn't wrong you know. Not among us." She whispered as the the girl trembled in her arms. "I'm just so old, that I forget what it feels like to be young and unsure. Those days happened a long time ago for me. Back then, we discovered our insecurities together. I never realized that..." Setsuna shook her head, that understanding was pointless now. "I won't do what I did back then Hotaru. It doesn't have to be a secret this time."

The past was an all encompassing trauma that never seemed to leave them alone. No matter how distant it seemed to be, past scars never healed. Old realizations always died at the cusp of desires.

For Ami and Rei, that past was near by, in a tangible world. It was as vivid as the shops they visited, the friends they made and sleepovers that they had. Often, the girls would tip toe around sensitive subjects. As a unit, they were strong, but alone, all of them were weak beings unlike any other. Rei had often reminded herself of that. In her time devoted to the faith her grandfather left her, she'd thought of many trivial things, none more so than the little gray lies that were really dark truths.

For every second of laughter that echoed the hall, there had been even more moments of solitude. Rei, even when in the presence of her wonderful, and often times mischievous grandfather, had often felt alone in the large world. Her grandfather had tried hard to channel her anger into something positive, however, she chose often times to face such an inward battle alone. Her childhood filled with slamming doors, or quiet admissions of failure.

Her birds, those with wings as black as tainted powers, were her only friends. She had admitted speaking with them, purely because they couldn't hate her. It hadn't been until she was a teen, fighting a mythical force, that she had truly become happy.

Although great sadness and heart ache followed soon after each victory won. Or so it had seemed for Rei. Slowly, she opened the door to her bedroom, watching as Ami calmed into a surrender. "You can't let heated emotions rule your every movement. Especially not when you use it to fuel love. It ends badly." The woman before her was sexy when she commanded power, but that anger was something she couldn't control for long. "You aren't like most of us, you get upset and you lose your way. It just isn't good on you, and it would be terrible for us."

Baby I have been here before

"It's not like I planned this." Ami sighed, looking around what had once been a sanctuary. "All I ever wanted was your warmth. Your love."

"It wasn't just mine you wanted." Rei sat down at her small coffee table. The very one that had built a life all on it's own. The spirit of memories lay dormant in this room, and this table was the center of all of it. From snacks or gossip, sleepovers or study, sometimes all of it in one day, the life of this room, the cheery safety it offered all stemmed from the moments at this table.

Those times had slowly petered out for them, as days went onward, and it made the room feel like a coffin for all that had been happy. It seemed like a fortress for all things depressing. "We all wanted the warmth of each other. We needed to rely on the childish dreams. I know that."

"I really felt that you loved me." Ami told her. "That back then, perhaps that kindness I was seeing in you, although sad and sometimes angry that kindness was...I thought it was filled with worry only for me." The Senshi of ice was clearly talking about when they were only three girls. Three warriors without any actual understanding of the realities of their mission. Usagi hadn't been a princess then, but both Ami and Rei had provided the blond protection anyway. It was as if the mere conjecture was second nature. "You acted like you hated Usagi, but I knew that was a lie. You two were rivals in so many ways. You loved her in your own way, I saw that too."

"Then what made you think that my feelings were meant to be aimed at you?" Rei had always wondered that.

"You let her go." Rei blinked at that, unsure of what Ami meant. "You came and told me, your confession was for my ears alone. If it hadn't been me, it would have been Minako or Usagi. Both of them are taken, but your a warrior in more ways than one. You would have fought for either of them as a suitor. You waited a long time, but I know you'd come only if you loved me. I never would have to tell you, and I could go about my life if you hadn't. However, since the night to told me that you cared, I can't get you out of my head, because now I know, for all of those years of missed chances and second guesses, I was right all along."

I know this room, I've walked this floor  
I used to live alone before I knew you.

"You don't know me well at all." Rei smiled sadly. "Your wrong about what you said, you know." Rei looked at the rings in the wood, not wishing to look any place else. "Minako and I had a fling, but that was a long time ago. Fact is, we're a bad combination romantically. She wants to be wild and free. I couldn't give her that. We ended up fighting more than not. After we broke up, that's when she got with Makoto. By that time, tall, strong, and sexy was free from your ever watchful eye."

"Makoto doesn't much like Minako out gallivanting around either, you know." Ami smiled softly, happy the accusing finger was away from her for the moment. "She just accepts it. They're both far more friends with benefits, than committed."

"And in that, Makoto has already won the battle. She just doesn't know it." Rei laughed softly. "Makoto trusts her, and in that, Minako won't leave her. One day, Minako will want to settle down, but that may take a few years. Once she does, they'll be happy." Looking at Ami she sighed with a weight falling over her. "I'm not going to pretend that letting go of Makoto was easy for you though. She couldn't wait around for you forever, and you didn't answer anyone's kindness with open arms."

"I thought she knew." Ami told Rei bitterly. "I felt that I had let Makoto quite deeply into my personal space. I felt as if I had done the same for you. Neither of you noticed it though."

"We both noticed." Rei shook her head. "It's not like you can understand this on a real level, but Makoto and I work differently than that." Her nail traced the rings in wood, thinking, but coming up short. "The farther out, the longer it takes. Always passing by what we've already lost. " Rei said absentmindedly before gathering her wits about her. "We have constant reminders of who we used to be Ami. All of us, but for me, I'm alright here, following the strict orders of those before me. You are also alike in that way. We would give up our assigned futures for only one person, and that's the calling of fate, not our own desires."

"I'm not as naive, as everyone thinks I am." Ami spoke in what seemed to be resentment for those around her. "I knew Makoto was gay the first time she let her eyes trail up my body. The first few times she let herself give me any time of day, I knew she thought something of me. We did have an open ended relationship of sorts, but that was something that I couldn't match her in. She's fast Rei, fast enough that I couldn't keep up. One minuet we're fighting side by side, the next we're..." Ami paused with a sigh. "I'm not as new as everyone thinks I am. Makoto kept it quiet, because I asked her to do so."

"I'm the virgin out of the two of us." Rei said, quite ashamed of herself really. "This is a new one for the record book."

"I wouldn't have done it, normally." Ami interjected, she didn't want Rei thinking like that. "We were afraid." Ami's eyes were shinning in such a way, that Rei knew it was a memory. "The first time, it was when I thought everyone hated me. My mind still held doubts, and so the first thing I did was tell Makoto. Well, lets just say she explicitly put those fears to rest." That had been when their real relationship started. "We dated, but we were closeted because Makoto was in denial at the time. We didn't need to tell people, but, I can't say I wasn't hurt with how she chose to hide it...pretending she was chasing after boys."

"It was a good way to throw us off." Rei shrugged, though inwardly, she was disappointed to know that Makoto had done that.

"The second time, was after our memories came back." Ami swallowed hard then. "We needed proof that our memories were real."

I've seen your flag on the marble arch  
Love is not a victory march

"That would explain why you slapped Usagi." Rei answered dryly, shaking her head. She knew what had obviously transpired the day of icy death, that no one really cared to bring up in great detail. "That's all you know how to do, isn't it." Rei chuckled, realizing how uneasy the girl in front of her had been. "I rarely see you angry, but that day, it was something else."

"I'd rather not go there." Ami warned Rei. That was forbidden grounds. "Anyway, after the second time, we tried to put our relationship back together, but we had changed a little since that day. We're close friends, but we don't have any sort of relations anymore. That ended quite some time ago." It was as if Ami's courage had left her. "But, I won't lie anymore. Even if it is in my own head. I want someone to hold me, someone who can do for me what Makoto never could. I know that can come from you, Rei. I'm not a little girl anymore, but, I'm not as confidant as I should be, either."

"And if I die?" Rei asked sternly. It had happened before. "Would you fail Usagi?"

"That's a horrid question." Ami whispered, not at all pleased. "You know what she would say. I've battled after love was lost, you've seen it happen. You know what happened."

It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah

"As horrible as it is, we've all sent ourselves to our doom for Usagi." Rei was only speaking truth, and Ami knew that. "We aren't like the others. We don't think so freely. We don't allow ourselves that luxury, and we waver when we must." It didn't make hearing it any easier. "But I'm also fast, and I know battle lust well. No, I may not have acted in such a way, but I'm possessive...if your mine to hold, you aren't able to give that place to anyone else. I want to have those things with you, but I'm not about to pretend that I know what it is I'm doing...or how the hell it should be done."

Hallelujah,

"It's not like I'm any better either Rei. I know what I like, but..." Ami blushed and averted her eyes. "Makoto always took the lead."

Hallelujah

Rei gulped quietly, her mouth ran dry, and she wondered why she was still sitting there hesitating. "It was Minako for me, but she didn't push. I never really went farther than what you and I just did out in the front." Rei felt embarrassed to hear that they were both waiting for something. "Ami, should I be the-" Rei cut herself off and tried to rephrase the question. "Am I the man in this relationship?"

Hallelujah,

"There is no man among us." Ami's heart skipped a beat, and she felt her blood run cold at that particular question. "You're a woman, same as I." Ami could feel Rei's gaze on her. It was hesitant, but oh so heated. It was like the girl before her was in her own internal battle. "Rei, show me." Ami beckoned with her voice, her eyes showing utmost need.

Hallelujah

With slow movements, Rei inched her way over, gently brushing Ami's bangs with her fingertips, as she cupped her porcelain cheek. When firm lavender met those of icy blue, Rei only waited but a moment before she let her lips softly touch Ami's. Rei was trembling the entire time as she parted her lips, breath mingling as the two of them slowly let themselves fall onto the floor below them, their tongues finally meeting for the first time.

As fingers tangled into long tresses of black silk, and calloused palms danced upon restricting cloth, they both knew, it was far to early to tempt the underlying sins of their souls.

Within the hearts of maidens, waiting for love that never came, two hearts were finding their way through the river of thorns. These women with beating hearts knew very little about each breath, loneliness something within the corners of reality. The future was always an uncertainty. That reminder was constant, and within that, there was no escape.

"I love you..." That was a phrase marred with pain, broken glass a pathway just like a tattered heart.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pretty cool, eh? So, everything before, was just preparing for these next upcoming chapters. The song used is called Hallelujah, and this rendition is by LEONARD COHEN. Song lyrics are in italics. I ended up breaking up the lyrics into a few more chapters than planned on originally, when I first starting writing. So, the second half of the song is here...and the third will be in the next part.
> 
> I do not own Sailor Moon.

Chapter 7

On a bed of deep maroon sheets, silky soft, there was no hiding the truths of this world. Still, it was with hesitant fingers, that she cupped Hotaru's face gently. Setsuna was not a woman to forgo easily shattered emotions.

Agelessness kept her beautiful. The test of time itself, is what made her so careful. She was a woman to be noticed, and throughout the eons, she'd had many suitors. It was the only way to ward off the loneliness of each and every failure that graced her life. Still, there had been no other lover that knew well of the dark sins. Hotaru was Setsuna's first romance, and whenever they crossed paths, it was fitting. However, this time around, things were different. So much so, they both couldn't help the reservations. It lingered between them.

They shared bitterly sweet, soft kisses, that made them breathless. Old memories were ones Hotaru could draw from, and Setsuna's lips pressed upon her's in delicious ways. Just like before, this was everything that they should be doing. Before, it was because Hotaru was the condemned Senshi, who brought little more than distractions heavy hand. Now it was because those memories had drifted to the surface of her mind. Still, this was wrong. Setsuna had raised her within this life, Hotaru knew that. It was what bothered her so very much.

What frightened her above all else. The sense of wrong doings that mingled with the way that deft fingertips caressed her, as Setsuna's tongue begged for entrance, and it was one Hotaru was only to happy to oblige. The lingering sense clasping tightly around her heart.

There was a time when you let me know  
What's really going on below  
But now you never show it to me, do you?  
And remember when I moved in you

How they gotten to this point, was beyond what Setsuna could explain. "Are you sure that this is what you want?" Her voice was soft, yet held no seduction. She wanted Hotaru to make a proper choice. "If I do this, you will no longer be my child in my eyes." The girl under her was not quite a child anyway. Rapid aging, and Senshi abilities ripped away childhood whenever it got the chance. "Is that what you want?"

"How am I to know?" Hotaru sighed out. She wanted Setsuna. She wanted to go back to the days when they gave into the temptations the night brought in. The loneliness was something neither wanted. "I don't want to ruin our family." Family? Is that what it was now? In a small way, yes it was. "Papa and Michiru-mama would be disappointed in us, wouldn't they?"

Setsuna nodded her head, if only slightly. "Haruka would, she likes playing house. In her head, I am yet another parent for you. For her, that image would be torn apart, if she had any idea." This wasn't a reality they could shrug off easily. Wants and desires far different from the true needs they both had. "Michiru holds more clarity than that, she would understand. She sees you as the Senshi you are, instead of the child we raised. She would be indifferent, not happy, and not sad." Hadn't that been how Michiru had always been? Calm and aloof at the best of times. Thinking before acting, wasn't that Michiru's forte? "I doubt our family would be ruined. Changed a little, yes. Ruined, no."

Hotaru shook her head. Gods how she had wanted this, how much she wanted to feel the throes of passion once again. She was sure Setsuna had become an expert lover over the long years she'd had to practice. Still, it didn't feel right, knowing what she knew. "Papa is right you know..." Hotaru sighed as she sat up and moved off the bed. She was still clad in her skirt, but had to grab her shirt from off the floor. "I want you." She could admit that. "But, papa and our family, I don't want to lose them. Without our family we'd be alone again. That's what started everything in the first place, wasn't it?"

"Indeed, it was." Hotaru's foresight surprised Setsuna. "However, the days spent on the moon were not all in vain." She was sure the girl wouldn't have thought that deeply about it. "Times have changed, though. Do not forget that our allies are many. Both people we have not met, and others we will never lose. I will never cast you aside Hotaru. If one day, you decide you need me, you hunger for me, and crave what we used to share, I would never deny you.

The holy dove was moving too  
And every breath we drew was Hallelujah

"I know you wouldn't." Hotaru nodded, grasping onto the door handle, opening it slowly, and stepping out into the hall. "You aren't the one I fear denial from."

Hallelujah

"Hotaru, nobody would deny you." Setsuna told the young woman, very much fearful of her own shadow. "You have to make a path in life that makes you happy."

Hallelujah,

What did she fear? What kept her up at night, what taunted her in her dreams? Hotaru wondered that. It would have been easy, to partake of her sinful wishes. To walk into a land of darkness, and deeply seeded temptations held only for her, and gifted from the past. This home, it was hers, the people, they loved her dearly. How far could love take a person though? Hotaru never really knew. Kindness never lasted. Never when she needed it most. Instead, such an emotion acted as her tormentor.

Hallelujah

Saving her life, when she deserved it least. Hotaru walked along her paths in life, with that conviction in mind. Those teachings gave her a grim reminder. She could hear soft music playing from the lower level of the place she called home. With a searching gaze, and barely there resolve, she opened the door, to face down who she'd know she'd find.

Hallelujah

"You've come home." It was a statement spoken calmly, Michiru's eyes both soft and elegant, as she eyed her daughter with speculation. It hadn't gone unnoticed either by Hotaru. "You can come in, you know." Michiru was always so reserved. Her fingers cradled a brush, her favorite hobby put into practice. Hotaru joined the woman, watching as the paint gave color to the blank canvas in waves. An ocean view, one with the deepest night sky, and brightest moon. That's what was being portrayed. "Hotaru, something happened, didn't it." Her words were gentle, unarmed, and hardly imploring.

"It did, and it didn't." Hotaru told her nervously. She wanted to watch her mother paint, not answer questions. Yet, she knew both went hand in hand. "We didn't do anything much, if that's what your asking."

"Hotaru..." The woman before her seemed almost disappointed. As if she had wanted to hear news that Hotaru had done unsavory things. "You do not understand anything of what it means to be in love." She placed down her paintbrush, turning her chair to look the girl in the face. "She has tried to push her feelings away. Even when you were a baby, she had great difficulty separating memories from her past, and what you could be like in the future. She feared resentment, hatred, knowing your form is not incapable of feeling such animosity." All of the outer Senshi held less hope, and had a stricter sense of doing evil deeds for good things. "She was afraid you'd hate her, when your memories started to surface."

Maybe there's a God above  
But all I've ever learned from love  
Was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you

"How could I not?" That's what bothered Hotaru so much. "I hate her for all of the things she's done. I can't forget either though, and what I want..." Hotaru trailed off.

"What is it?" Michiru asked. "What would you like?"

"I can't say it. Papa wouldn't be happy. She would hate me too, and she would feel like she's lost us." She had been raised in a loving home, for once in her life, she was shown what it means to be given a loving family. "I don't want to risk hurting anyone, but whenever I'm alive, that's all I ever do." So many bad memories, so many horrid incarnations. Hotaru saw those memories the most. "I was never Setsuna's child, was I?"

"She couldn't look at you in such a way, Hotaru." Setsuna's name implied her entire lament. Her past was vivid, more so than anyone else. Michiru had been the first to notice just how deep her past had scared the mage of time and space "You've grown into a beautiful young woman, however, part of becoming a woman, is understand your own heart. What it desired most. Once you know that, you can begin to understand what you must do, so that you can obtain what you want." None of them had it easy, but it was the woman of Pluto who had suffered the most. "She was alone for a long time, her memories were the only thing that kept her company, before we awakened."

It's not a cry you can hear at night  
It's not somebody who has seen the light  
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah

"I honestly felt as if I could push away the shadows of my former self. That if I could do that, and move past what everyone thinks I am, that I would find what I really want." Hotaru told her, as she curled up into a ball on the chair, pulling her knees to her chin. "I felt ready to accept that she would always just be Mama, just like you. That I could be something completely new and different. But, to become that person, I would need to leave this place that's protected me, but I'm not that strong." Hotaru's eyes misted over, she wanted to fight away everything...anything that reminded her of who she used to be. "I won't ever be alright, if I'm only Sailor Saturn, Senshi of death. Even if I create a new world, I'm still the lamb that gets sacrificed."

"Hmm..." Michiru nodded. "I often felt that way, before I met Haruka." That had been so long ago now though, that Michiru smiled at what had been a sad memory. "I felt alone, in many ways. I even hated Setsuna for finding me, and telling me what my future was. I had dreams Hotaru, they couldn't come true, or so I thought. Than I realized, when I saw Haruka, when I had to get her to agree to fight along side us...I began to understand how vast the universe was...and even if the universe was so big, that there would always be someone for me...I never became the person I wanted, with a simple life, but I'd like to think, I was given a good replacement."

"But what about me?" Hotaru was pleading now, begging for something she wished could be handed to her. Any solace at all would have been nice.

Hallelujah,

Michiru looked at the girl slowly, and with intent unknown. It was with a steady breath and a heavy sigh that she realized she could no longer mother Hotaru, the girl wasn't that far removed in age anymore. Michiru was still quite young herself, they all were if Michiru were honest about it. "There was a time not long ago, when you would crawl into bed between three loving parents, and we would protect you from every little fear you had." Michiru told her. "We would watch you grow up, and between nighttime feedings, and pacing you up and down the hall, even when you were old enough to attend school, and I had to struggle through most of it with you..." Michiru knew those days were gone now. "We knew that time would come to an end abruptly."

Hallelujah,

She looked at the girl, she really wasn't anyone's child. Honestly, she couldn't be...not anymore. She bit her lower lip, there was one thing she could do. One final thing she could take upon herself to get done. The only question was, could she do it? Would she want to? "Hotaru, you were never going to be our baby. You have a father, and the man is wonderful, bar a few unfortunate events. You were never truly destined to become who you are, but that can't change. As you stand now, you're only a few years younger than I am, and you aren't me." It was going to hurt, releasing what she knew to be a torrential downpour of emotions. "If we were a real, normal family Hotaru, the best Haruka or I could be for you would be siblings...not parents."

Hallelujah,

Still she knew she had to do it. To break apart the happy bubble they'd all built. "But even then, Hotaru, you can't be my little sister. We've gone through so much, and even I have my own crosses to bear. Those reasons are why, I can't consider you family." The reason was unspoken, but they both knew well of the implication. Sisters didn't try to kill each other. "That's why..." Michiru whispered as she got closer to the the girl, steadying herself inwardly for what she was about to do. "That's why I've got to do it." Without asking permission, she grabbed Hotaru's wrists and pulled her off the chair, not giving her a moment to catch her bearings, Michiru kissed her.

Hallelujah,

Michiru was a passionate woman, all her own. She knew the joys of loving other women, to respect and honor them. She knew well what gifts it could bring. Yet she knew this girl, the one in her arms, knew nothing of the real joys. Salty tears fell from her cheeks and mingled on their lips. Michiru could only wonder what Hotaru was thinking, knowing the feelings weren't at all joyful. Still, as chastise as the kiss was, it held an entirely different meaning. "You don't carry my family name, nor do you carry Haruka's or Setsuna's. You are a free woman Hotaru, do you understand? You never will be my child, not after that. Love who you wish to love, and do not apologize for who that person is...no matter who it is." Michiru whispered still so close to the girl, watching her as her tears calmed, but she didn't give a reaction.

"And what if I don't know who that is anymore?" Hotaru spoke quietly, just as she always did when beyond the point of angry. "What if I don't understand why I love everyone, like a family should?" Hotaru never had this before...this open, welcome, loving house filled with laughter on any given day. "I'm the darkest Senshi, and now, with all of these wonderful things, I'm forced to pick and choose. What if I don't want to do it?" Hotaru asked, her eyes burning into Michiru.

Her body was shaking. "What if I still want you to be my mother, that I want Haruka to be my papa? What if I want Rei to forget about Ami, and love me? What if I want to overcome my fears, and be with Setsuna again? What if I want all of that, because I've never wanted to lose it!" Finally, she just broke down. "What if I'm so confused right now, I don't know what makes me happy?"

"Then you must seek out what you want, and build it for yourself." Michiru told her. "Don't apologize for having selfish wants, and meaningless desires. All of it can become important for others too. That is, if they want that for themselves. Not everyone will agree, and not everything will work out. However, Hotaru, you will never know until you try, reaching out, and grasping onto that which is still unknown."

"What if they don't want the things that I do?" That's what Hotaru's greatest fear was.

"Then, you must hope they are generous enough, to give you want you want." Michiru sighed as she went back to her painting.

"Can I at least have what I want from you?" Hotaru asked, in spite of what happened between them. "Can I have my mom back?"

"Is that what you truly wish of me?" Michiru looked at the girl, seeking to find any doubts.

"Yes." Hotaru agreed, her eyes hopeful. "I want my family, and I want everything else. I'm sorry if I'm greedy, I just do."

"Never apologize." Michiru reminded her as she selected yet another new brush. "You are a stubborn child." Who was she to dictate the laws of this world? The life of a Senshi could either be fleeting, or so very long and grueling. Either way, that life was meant to be enjoyed, as much as humanly possible. "However, if that's what you want, I will do as you wish."

Redemption...something always sought, and yet hardly ever given. It shaped the youth of the world into two types of people, though, lines such as that were never truly defined.

Hotaru also had to search for her wishes, and make them come to reality. Others had to do the same. Many of the Senshi could be considered dreamers, with their heads in the clouds on good days, or hiding away from a nightmare, in the worst of them. The feeling of lost time was a regret none of them wanted. It was as if the world would always drift in and out of peril. If they wanted something as temporary as forgetting who they were, if only for a moment, it was on their own shoulders to seek it out.


End file.
